Finally some down time

So now that things have FINALLY settled down I figured I would update.
So Firday we went back so that he could have his CBC and bili level checked again and well, we never left. We ended up being rushed to Rapieds Women and Childrens because his hemacrit level was down so low that he needed a blood transfusion. We got there and they monitored him, redid his iv and took more blood from him. They cross typed his blood and called the blood bank. About 3 am the nurse(who I absolutely loved!!!) told me that they saw that he had an antigen on his blood and wanted to know if I had rogham and all that cause they were tryin to figure out i maybe it was from the rogham or actually on his blood.
We stayed there til Monday late afternoon. He never got the transfusion cause his levels came up slightly. The LPN for the intensivist said that even though it wasnt a significant rise, she felt better about where it was because there were no immature cells. Monday the intensivist came in and said that we could either go home and be monitored here and come back and do the transfusion if needed or we could do the transfusion that day and go home xmas eve. Wes and I decided to wait and see. I greatly questioned myself about this until I got his test results back on xmas eve when we went for a level check. his hemicrit went from 21.7 to 24!!! His reticulate count went from 14 to 12.6 which is good because it shows his bone marrow isnt having to work so hard to produce more red blood cells.
we are just waiting on all the lab results for the tests they did that had to be sent out to know whether or not hes got some disorder that causes some of his red blood cells to be mishapen and fragile which causes them to bust too eaily when they go through the vessels and capilaries. They started him on iron and polyviciol which is supposed to help. his bili level is back to normal and OMG I didnt realize how yellow he really was til he got a normal color to him.
His jaundice was caused by the anemia. When your blood cells die, it causes them to spill biliruben into the blood stream which your liver filters out. His liver couldnt keep up with the amount of bili spilling into his system.
We go back in about 2 weeks for another level check and hopefully its still good. I feel so bad for how many times hes been poked at. They have used every available vein in his body and he is all bruised up. Hes been super clingy and wanting to be with me all the time and that I dont mind lol. He gets kinda irritable when you touch his arm and legs but thats understandable.
Im happy that we were able to be home for xmas. Those 3 days of going back and forth from Alex to home were hell. Im only happy my mom was here to be with Ashelynn.

Long needed update

Ok. So a lot has gone on in the last 2 weeks. K at 4 days old had another bili test done cause he looked jaundiced. It was 13.2 so the ped said she wanted it rechecked in a few days. When he was a week old it dropped down to 8.9 and they said he was good. On the 14th I gave him a bath and noticed he looked really yellow. It had just come on in like 1 day, he was a normal pinkish color saturday and then BAM! I figured that since his appt was monday then no need to worry. I mentioned it to the dr and he said that it could be from breast milk, his liver is having a hard time breaking down an enzyme in the milk and that they would test his bili again and go from there. It was 19.8!!! Holy shit! They say to start worrying as it gets near 20! Sp they rushed around and got me approved for Vernon Home Health to come out and monitor his and get me a bili light so that they didn't have to admit him. We went back yesterday and after only being on it since 330 Monday, it had already dropped to 16.2. Good news!! I also starting Monday had to stop giving him breast milk.... So today we go in and after another day and night of being on the bili light, its dropped down to 13 even. We're heading in the right direction except he's lost an ounce because he wont take the formula. It takes me forever just to get 2 oz down him. He told me today to go ahead and give him breast milk again since hes not eating.
Well I thought that we were out of the woods yesterday with the level going down but nope. My son is severely anemic. They did a CBC and another test (it escaped my mind what it is right now due to lack of sleep) and his red blood cells are busting open and spilling bili into his blood. So, right now he said if he doesn't get jandiced again after the breast milk while still being on the bili light then its his anemia and his livers ability to deal with it. I have to take him to ldpr on Friday after I pick my mom up from the airport to get another CBC done to check his red blood cell levels, another bili and he wants to run some more tests but he didn't tell me what he wanted to do cause he said he has it in his head what he wants to test for but might change it later.
Also, he detected a heart murmor but he said that since he hasn't heard it before the other 2 days and no one else heard it the past 2 weeks that it could be nothing and only caused from the jaundice and all. He wants the chardiologist to check him out just to be on the safe side though.
My poor kid!!! I dont know what is going on with him!
Last night was such a bad night cause he was so irritated from being on the bili pad. He wont sleep unless he's in his glider and last night, he'd only sleep maybe 30 min before waking up screaming, Picking him up to console him didn't work to well cause he was still cranky. He slept at the drs office today since he could get comfy without that stiff pad behind his back. That and I think because I could actually bundle him up and cuddle with him.

The end is here!

Ok so, just a quick update while i can. Baby came at 36w6d(my count) 35 weeks to the day the drs count. Almost full term, still considered preemie (not sure why). He was 6lbs 9 oz and 19 inches long. A BIG difference from Ashes 33-34 weeks and 4 lbs 4 oz and 17 inches lol. He is such a miracle and wonder baby. He sleeps all night, only wakes up maybe once.
So heres my little birth story for anyone interested... I think Alex, you are the only one who reads this still lol. So i went in Friday, Nov 28 because I had been having some major contractions and cramps all day. My contractions went away and I decided to take a shower. Well, i felt loads better while I was in the shower, but the act of walking from the bathroom to the livingroom I got some really bad cramps that just didnt feel like they were going away. I called Wes to tell him he needed to come home cause I needed to go to L&D. He came home to watch Ashes and I went to L&D. Come to find out I was having contractions every 2 min!!! They weren't enough to change me (yet). He told me that since I was only 34w5d (36w4d my count) he was going to stop them!!!! I couldn't believe he was telling me this!!! My High risk dr told me at 34 weeks he would just give me something to ease the pain and help me relax but not stop them and here this on call dr was telling me he was gonna stop them!!! I was to tired and in too much pain to argue with him and ask for my high risk ob to come in to look at me that i just agreed. Normally when I get terbutaline, they give me anywhere from .50-.75 ml and I have never hd a reaction to it other than whats normal. He gave me .25 ml and I had the worst reaction to it. My heartrate went from 98 to 145 in less then 2 min when normally its a gradual rise as the medicine goes threw the system, my BP jumped up to 139/95 which is bad, I had to be put on an O2 mask cause I couldnt breath and it made the contractions worse. Since i cant have anything else cause of my asthma, he decided to over hydrate me to slow down my contractions. Well after 2 hours of that he discharged me. He told me i was to "sit my ass on the couch and not do anything until monday" yes, he said ass lol.
So Saturday rolls around and after sitting there for half a day with no relief, I decided it was pointless because even getting up to go to the bathroom made them extremely painful and worse. I decided that A and I were gonna go to Subway to get dinner for all of us. We ate and then L told me he was gonna go to work and since he was gonna be in the box, that if i needed to get ahold of him, call the company and they would get ahold of him and he would rush back. (he was gonna be 45 min away for like 9 days) He left at about 900 pm but since they werent doing anything, his plt sgt said he could just come home, no sense in him sittin at the company when he could be home with me. He got home about 930 and we started timing my contractions. By the end of "Charlie Wilsons War" They were 13-17 min apart with a few that were 3-5 min. We went to bed around 11 and before we went to bed he asked me if i was sure i didnt want to go back to L&D to get checked out and monitored. I told him no since the only thing they could do for me was monitor me and hook me up to another iv and i would rather try and get comfy in my own bed and get some sleep then be there. I fell asleep right away and woke up at 0100 with the worst contraction I had ever had, so bad it was in my back with the majority of the pain in my pubic bone. Now, I had had a few times where I had peed myself or almost peed myself during contrations so I thought that I was about to pee on myself so as I was saying oh shit from the pain and trying to get out of bed, I took 2 steps (which brought me to the bathroom) and as soon as my feet hit the tile my water broke. I sat down and told wes he needed to call l&d and tell them we were coming cause my water broke. It was so funny cause after he called them and was trying to get some of the last min things in my bag, he asked me "are you sure it broke and you didnt pee yourself?" I looked at him, looked down right as I had a little gush and it was leaking on the floor and was like, nope, im peeing myself, I have an extremely large bladder that lets me hold gallons of water lol.
So we got there about 130 and they got me hooked up, looked at, I was 2 cm and 90% by then, got me all preped to go get my section and then the dr came in. he just laughed at me when I said "I know i was supposed to wait til monday but hey". The contractions were nothing like they were with A after my water broke. I was able to laugh, joke and talk to everyone. I was trying to keep the mood light for my hubby who although will never admit it, looked like a deer caught in the head lights lol. The dr explained all the risks with him being early and so on. they took me back to the section room, gave me my spinal and at 307 am Mr. K made his entrance into this world. He wasn't breathing at first but still managed to have apgars of 6,7,9 which are good. They put him under an O2 tent after I got to see him and by the time the ped got there he was fine.
We got to come home on Tuesday at noon and he has been an absolute joy. he's only had one bad night but all it took to cure it was lettin him sleep on me. I think about how long it took to be able to get pregnant with him and all that I went threw with my labor and I am soo thankful to have him. Words can not even explain.

Not so good on the baby front

So good news first.. I am 36 weeks tomorrow!!(34w 1d the drs count but they are gay and NOT going by my u/s) YAY!! haha i know such a small thing to be excited about yet its a big thing to me. On to the not so great news. I haven't grown in a month. I mean I've grown lol but my findal height hasnt grown any which means that baby might not be growing. I have an u/s on tuesday and assuming that radiology does their job right, I'll have my results for my appt on Wed but... this is BJACH, an army hospital and civilian technitions and radiologists so I don't see that happening. Everyone in that effing hospital other than the drs and nurses are freaking civilians and rude as hell who think that they are oh so important and can take their sweet time. So Im hoping that its a fluke that Im only measuring 30-31 weeks.
If he does turn out to have IUGR that means that the end of the road is here because its better for him on the outside then the inside. While I'll be happy to be done with the contractions and the pelvic pain and pressure, I don't know how I can deal with another baby in the NICU if he ends up there. It wasn't so bad with A cause I lived like 5 min away from Providence where they sent us, and I had no other kids, but the NICU here is in Alexandria which is 45 min away and I have Ashe that I will be toting with me. Its hard to keep a 4 year old quiet and calm for that long in a medical enviornment where she cant do anything but sit there.
Im really hoping its not my anemia that is causing an issue. Wes told me that I need to relax and Im getting worked up over nothing that hes fine and its nothing but I can't help but worry cause A was the same way. She was small for gestation. Men they just dont get it.

great

I am severely anemic. And what is a severely anemic pregnant person supposed to do? Take Iron suppliments... but what can you do if you cant take iron because it makes you incredibly sick to the point of dehydration? Nothing apparenty. I just get monitored and if it drops any lower then it is now, i get to have him.
On the plus side, I know he will for sure be here the 15th of December. They only do sections on Mondays and Wednsdays and he wasnt willing to do it on the 1 or the 8th so I told him the 15th was fine. I didnt wanna be preggo for my birthday but I guess having him the day after is ok too.

Butt Hiccups

Ok, so i dont want to sound like a complainer but.... HOW THE HEL DO PEOPLE MANAGE TO HAVE A KID AND BE PREGNANT!!! I am so tired!!! Ok I know I know, Im at the end of this roller coaster of hormones and overly exaggerated emotions (due to hormones) and not feeling well, bein overly tired, not sleeping, not being able to get comfy, but dang! I have to rock back and forth a little just to be able to roll to get out of bed lol. I feel like humpty dumpty!
I have a drs appt on thursday and hopefully can schedule my section date. Im gonn beg for him to take him at 37 weeks if i make it. The last couple days I have had cramping and contractions. I almost went to L&D the other night because they were so bad I couldn't sleep. Thankfully they tapered off in the morning and i was able to get like an hour of sleep. It may have been an hour but it was a much needed hour. A has been soooo good about letting me relax and keeping herself busy and stayin out of trouble. I feel bad some days cause i know she wants to go out and play but I just cant muster the energy.
I started letting the puppy in the back yard and am glad to say that after having to take her out 2 times, she is now whining at the door to go out and go potty. I also figured that since she is going out there and I put the baby gates infront of the main gate that i would start lettin A out there with her to play. Im gonna ask housing if they can stick a storm door on the back door so I can leave it open while they are out there. I want it for a couple reasons, that being a main one. Leaving that door open bugs go in the house, you can hear everything that goes on outside and inside my house even with the door closed and Im not comfy with that. I shouldn't be able to hear the bugs chirping or the rain as it falls like Im standing outside.

And they say people in the south arent retarded

Thats what I thought to myself today when i went to walmart to get some things. OMG you would not believe the things people were doing. Granted I know that there is a hurricane coming but come one people the most we are supposed to get here is some rain and winds. We may lose power but thats it. Some of these people are gonna feel really retarded when they have 900 cans of spaghetti o's in their cabinet and they didnt even need them. People were buying propane and batteries like they were free. I mean, most of these people live in the ghetto. They live in busted up trailors with 6 cars in the driveway and yard and NONE of them run yet they can come to walmart and spend 1000 plus on stuff? Yeah I dont get it. People were being rude, shoving people out of the way, blocking aisles so that people couldn't get down them because they wanted ALL of one item, it was just plain choas. When Rita came threw it knocked down some trees and power was off for like 2 days and these people are preparing for the end of the world! I just wanted some everyday things like bread but nope, bare shelves and then I saw one woman walk by with 2 carts full of bread. I was seriouslt tempted to ask her if she thought she really needed all that bread because well, its not the end of life as we know it and there was no need to buy over 100 loafs of bread for what could be 3 days tops with no power.
I did however stock up on water and got some top ramen. I have food that can be cooked here. My husband called me a retard cause he was like "You flippin retard, how do you expect to cook all that food with no power?" To that I responded, "Hey moron, Im the one that uses the stove and well, you dont need power to run a gas stove!" I told him the only thing we couldnt use was the oven but thats only because while though its gas, its set to an electric switch and timer but i told him that you dont need to back chicken you can fry it or there is a way to bake it even on the stove.
Im trying to get all my laundry done before all this starts tomorrow and clean a bit. im glad that I have all these candles and that i have all those battery operated tealights. Although, I dont know how long they will last since NO ONE has any 3v button batteries any where since OMG people think they need every type of battery even when they dont. That and my daughter thinks she needs them as a night light ALL night long so im sure there are about 5 of them hat dont work at all. Im not sure what im going to do to entertain her when there is no power. Only thing I can say is THANK HEAVENS FOR LAP TOPS AND POWER CONVERTERS!!! All we need to do is go charge it in the truck for a short time and YAY!! We can watch movies. Im not sure yet how Im gonna be able to handle the heat. I thought about getting one of those HUGE D style lookin batteries and getting the setup for a small generator but yeah they dont have those. I also loked for those battery operated fans and yeah no such luck. I am gonna roast in the heat. I already foresee being in L&D hooked to IV's because I cant drink water fast enough to keep hydrated. I guess once the winds die down there is alway the hose. I dont mind some dirt water to keep me cool lol.

He stuck

HIS FINGERS IN MY WHOHA!! Damn man! Its amazing how I go to the ER because I feel as if Im getting a bladder infection and they send me up to L&D.. Um hello IM not having labor symptoms, just peeing a lot! Yeah so I sit on the monitor for like an hour and they come in and he says, "baby looks good, your urine was concentrated but no infection but we are sending it off for culture but Im sure you are starting to get one... Im gonna check your cervix.." I was like HUH?!?!?! Yeah then I got a look at the paper and I guess I had been having some contractions but not many and I was thinking to myself, yeah ok I know I've had a few but nothing bad, Im not in preterm and I KNOW that they arent strong enough to do anything. I was right, he told me I was still high (that doesnt mean anything to me cause I was high and 2 cm with ashe) and closed and firm. That was a waste of my time let me tell you. Im still cramping in my bladder, I still gotta pee like a mother and yeah.. Im annoyed... Sorry had to rant

so tired

Of being pregnant. I know I am only 18 weeks and still have some time, but Im so over it haha. It hasn't been as bad as it was with Ashelynn, but I have Pubic Sympysis Disorder (my placenta is making WAY to much relaxin way to early and causing my joints and ligaments to become soft and seperate) which is WAY painful. I also learned at my u/s to measure the length of my cervix that some of the blood vessels of the placenta are implanted to deep in my uterus which at delivery can cause massive bleeding and possibly result in a hystorectomy. A hystorectamy? Are you freakin kinddin me? At 24-25 years old?!?!?!? Yea so Im kinda really paranoid about that. i guess thats really the only two reasons I am ready to have this baby. The longer I am pregnant the more of a risk I run at having to have a hystorectamy. On the plus side of that, it wont put me into menopause because I'll still have my ovaries, but what good do ovaries do you if you dont have a uterus? I guess some could contend about what good does a uterus do you if you dont have ovaries.
Im thinking about having my eggs harvested and donating them. I figure since I still have them and my body will still be producing them, why not donate them to someone who needs it? That or donating an entire ovary. I really only need one for the hormone production to keep me from having hot flashes so why not? Give someone else a chance. I know most people are like "wouldnt you wonder about it later, what those kids are like?" Here's my theory on it. Im going to have no bond with this baby. Im not going to carry it, Im not going to be apart of pregnancy process(there from start to finish) so I wont worry or wonder. Sure its my genetic makeup in that baby but I didn't invest anytime in it so no, it wouldn't bother me. I struggled to get pregnant so why cant I help someone else? By all rights, I shouldn't even be pregnant right now, this is my miracle baby to say the least. With as scarred over as my cervix is, they aren't sure how anything managed to get through. I know how much it sucks and how emotionally draining it is to try month after month with no results so if I can make it that much easier for someone else then I am all for it. I want that to be my contribution to life.
On a more positive note, baby is good, growing fine. A little on the small side but so was Ashey. This baby is right on with the measurements for my gestation, but the weight is a little under. Im a small person so they aren't worried about it. I go on the 7th for my 20 week u/s and hopefully he puts in my anatomical u/s and I can make the appt. Im just not thrilled at waiting 3-4 weeks for it since they are that far behind in radiology so Im hoping he'll put it in as a must have. (big fat chance on that one) Im starting to get out of that, "is she fat or pregnant" stage and starting to take a nice round shape. I was so worried that I was gonna blow up this time around but so far, my size and gain has mimiced my pregnancy with Ashelynn.

Finding out the hard way

So I now understand more about why they told me if I got pregnant it would be hard. I had to stop takin my asthma meds when I did because they increades my bp. I also couldnt take my rescue inhaler because it increased my heartrate. Well they told me that coming off them would cause some issues and boy they were right! I have had a little shortness of breath ever since I came off of them, i figured no biggie I can handle it. Well today I couldnt. I was in the PX and I started having trouble breathing. It turned into a full blown attack and on top of that because we were alone I started to panic. Well I stopped and calmed down and checked out and headed for the hospital. I started to freak out again when I was walking in. I almost started crying when I was talking to the guy. He said my sat levels were good but my heart rate was high. He told me just to sit and calm down that I was going to be fine. So I had to wait 2 flippin hours to see the dr. Im freakin pregnant HELLO!!! I cant breath my baby cant breath. So the er doc gave me something, well some things that I could take. One of them Im not sure of so I gotta call OB tomorrow just to make sure its ok to take. I have to take 2 puffs 4 times a day and its a high dose steriod even though he said it wasnt. Umm I think the warning on it says it all. Im feeling a lot better now, still a little tight but definately better. He told me that I can't tough it out that I HAVE to take the medicine.

Just something random

I've realized that in the last 3 years, I have spent a lot of time by myself. Its made me realize a lot about myself. I've come to realize that I do well on my own. I can think for myself more and I like not having to rely on someone to do things for me. Granted, there are some things that I can't do myself and it is nice to have someone else around, but I'm pretty good at living by myself, I think I've had enough practice.
Having L home from Iraq has definately been a BIG adjustment. I'm used to doing things in my own time. If the house is messy, its ok cause its just ashe and I and 9 times out of 10 its just toys and well, anyone who has toddlers or has watched toddlers knows that its pointless to clean everyday. I dont go threw that many dishes so I dont worry whether the dishes get done every day. I can just chill, relax and spend time with A and worry about all the other stuff when she goes to bed. Having L home has drastically changed that. With him it has to be clean EVERYDAY and toys on the floor is unacceptable. Dishes have to be done everyday and Heaven forbid they sit in the dishwasher longer then the next morning. I have a TON of laundry to do and it seems like I could clean the house from top to bottom and within 5 min of him being home, its trashed again and its not the child that did it. I can see the need to make the house look decent, just for peace of mind, but to have it SPOTLESS all day every day, man I tell you what, I might as well quit at this whole house wife thing.
Now that Im pregnant this is getting harder to do because although I am in my second trimester, I am still low on energy and I still have plenty of days where I dont feel good and I am sluggish. While he is now getting a better understanding of day to day life with a child and realizing that life can not be perfect and neither can your house, he still has his moments. I told him that if he thinks that its bad now that I am slow to do things, he needs to wait and see what its like when I have this baby because NOTHING is going to get done for awhile. I am having a repeat c-section which is going to be a lot more painful and take a lot longer to recover from then the first one, but I am going to have to juggle a 4 year old and (a 95% chance that this baby will be) a premie, that I am going to have no energy what so ever. Its bad enough having a newborn with the no sleep in the begining but with a premie the sleep is even less.
Im drifting off, which I tend to do lately, but having him gone to BNOC, I miss him a ton, but the peace and quiet and relaxation is nice, very nice. I think that I need to have more time to myself when L gets home before the baby comes. Whether it be shopping by myself, or going for a drive by myself or even locking myself in my room and just relaxing, Im going to do it. I NEED to do it. I need to do it for my sanity and to keep from losing my mind with constantly cleaning the house.

Ugh the curse of pregnancy!

I have a cold.. well its more like allergies meet my daughters cold. I forgot how crappy it was to be sick or have an allergy flare-up when you are pregnant because you cant take anything! Im still 8 weeks away from being able to take sudafed. I can't even use my inhaler which makes breathing sooooooooo much fun let me tell you. I have my next appt on the 24th and I am going to BEG him to give me something. The nurse practioner I saw for my initial appt on the 5th told me that I can't take the albuterol but I can take cingular or that one inhaler that lasts for up to 12 hours for relief. I can't remember the name. I have a non-albuterol inhaler but it doesn't help me at all. Its like I took nothing. Grrr... My body feels like I got hit by a truck. Im so stuffed up I can feel all my teeth.
Other then feeling crappy, the only pregnancy complaint I have is I'm still experiencing some morning sickness, or all day sickness. I still find myself running to the bathroom or looking at the toliet paper after I wipe to make sure that im not bleeding. So far so good and nothing showed on the ultrasound. I'm considered high risk. I have to go every couple of weeks a see the dr. I also have to have my cervix measured to make sure it doesn't shorten. When that happens, its stuck to the bed my butt gets. Fun right? Baby looked good at my first ultrasound. It was hard for the tech to get some good measurements and still pics for the radiologist and for me because the kid was literally bouncing off the side of my uterus. I ended up being a week ahead of what they thought. Good for me YAY!! I'm now due the 22nd instead of the 28. Im not complaining. I'm now in my second trimester which I guess makes me feel better because the chance of miscarriage goes down a ton.
Thats all I have for now I guess.

Not liking this place

So, so far, this place sucks. I went to the hospital yesterday to switch regions in tricare and go to womens health to get my paperword for housing to show proof of pregnancy and the chick didnt know what she was talking about. Got me really iritated, (not that thats hard to do lately). She kept telling me that the person that could give me the paperwork wasn't there and to come back tomorrow. I was like ok, then I asked her if I needed to have blood work done before she gives me that paperwork to verify. She told me that as long as I had a positive home test that that was fine. Ummm.... yea so anyone can walk in say, "hey I had a positive home test, I need the paperwork to get a bigger house" and then after they move and before the first appt claim miscarriage... She just simply tells me no and after my ob reg I will have all my blood tests done. So I went back there this morning and she says "Oh, shes in the ob reg class and wont be done until 11. Well isnt that FUCKING NICE!!! Why didnt your dumb ass tell me that yesterday? I could have saved myself the severe headache i have right now by sleeping alittle bit longer. So we leave, (wes has to be at his unit to meet and greet and take over the section at 1245) and go get something to eat. I try and call the lady at 5 after and she wasnt there. So we head over there thinking that by the time we get there she would be there. We get there and shes not there.... great, she probabl went to lunch. The same dumb ass chick asks if we want to wait. I say yeah I'll wait for a bit. About 10 min later, she comes back in the waiting room and tells me that she needs my id because she was talking to one of the other nurses and I do need a blood test. Yeah lady thanks for callin me a moron yesterday and makig me wait for no damn reason. So I go and get my blood drawn and leave. Im about to call the lady I need to speak to to see when I can pick up the paperwork. My OB reg class is tuesday. Im hoping that I can skip it and get seen sooner since I am rh- and I am sensatised and I have had 2 leeps and have already had a preemie baby. I am considered high risks so Im not taking any chances. If I cant get an appt sooner Im hoping that I can get all the rest of my blood work done. For cripes sakes, Im 6 weeks and 4 days, I will be 7 weeks 4 days at my ob reg and with leeps, you are supposed to be seen by the time you are 8 weeks to determine whether or not you need a cerclauge. I was told its supposed to be done by 10 weeks. At this rate, I'll be 10 weeks at my first appt.
I also need to talk to her about my 24/7 hangover that I seem to have. I read in my book that if you didn't have it with your first pregnancy, you arent predisposed to having it in any other pregnancy. If you have it in a subsequent pregnancy, it can signal something is wrong or you are pregnant with multiples... It also can just be luck of the draw. I might have felt like shit with ashe just didnt kknow it because I was preoccupied with all the other problems. Im just hoping that everthing goes well and no problems come up. The smell of our laundry detergent I used to LOVE!! now, I cant stand it and the smell is overwhelming. My body soap, shampoo and conditioner? Half the time I get in the shower I end up jsut rinsing off and not using it because I end up with a really bad case of dry heving and end up doubled up. I guess I might feel better if i were able to throw up but I guess thats what I get being able to handle stuff and never really throwing up.

finally here

so we are finally in La. We got here yesterday late afternoon. Wes right now is at the housing office finding out about housing. I prolly should be getting ready to go because we have to go to the hospital and inroll in tricare. I need to get my blod work done and make an appt and ashe needs to go see the dr about those bumps on her face.
This pregnancy, although I am only 6 weeks has sucked butt. I am ALWAYS sick. Its like I dont know what feeling good is like. I constantly wanna throw up. I am extremely paranoid right now because of what happened when I was preggo with ashelynn. I bled really bad from about 5 weeks to 20 weeks. I try and reassure myself in the sense that I am a week past the point where i started having problems with ashe but everytime I feel a little leak I have to run for the bathroom to check to make sure that Im not bleeding. I have a constant headache that is not so much fun. Tylenol(sp) only works for about an hour or so and since right now I can only take 2 a day it makes the day sooooooooooo much fun. I know that I shouldnt complain because its taken 2 years of unprotected sex, 4 months of tracking my cervical fluid and 2 months of temp charting to get here, I would just like to experience the great uneventful pregnancy that all my friends seem to have had. I totally didnt think that I was pregnant. I had it in my mind that my body was being retarded and I was gonna start any time. I started having these weird twangs of pain that would only last a sec on each side and in my crotch. I also had increased discharge. I looked up online and everything pointed to pregnancy and I was like, nope, no way. Wes made me take a rest. he woke me up at like 730 and argued with me for an hour to go take it. I was totally shocked cause it was like BAM as soon as the urin hit that part of the test. I had to go back and check the box and instructions to make sure what I was reading as right.
Well thats about it for now gotta get dressed, he should be here soon

so

our house is packed up and we are staying in lodging on elmendorf. We leave on the 16th to start our long journey to Va and then to La. Wish me luck. I cant wait to get to La and get our stuff back. I miss my bed! We are sleeping on a double bed and let me tell you, I am about fed up with having the left side of my body slept on lol. I also cant wait to get down there so Amanda can come visit and I can see how big Rye guy has gotten and see baby Ayden!!!! I'm gonna try and get on again before we leave. Im at my moms house right now. I wanted to come update my fertility chart. My temps are looking a lot different then last month. The link is below if you want to check them out!
I know that I should be greatful that I have one kid already and trust me I am. I just hate that it was so easy the first time around and now I am dealing with trying to get pregnant after cervical cancer. I know she said that I look good but i still cant help but think otherwise. We will see though!

strange things are happeneing

So... I get my period every 25-27 days... Well... day 28 is over in about an hour and I still have no period. I don't even feel like im going to get it...... I had a HUGE temp drop today though so it makes me think its coming soon.... My temp yesterday was 99 and this morning it was 98.4. If its high tomorrow, well then I don't know what to think at this point. I had sex the days that I thought I was ovulating and the day that my tracker says that I did and the days before and after. Then again my tracker also says I am supposed to get my period on the 31? But then it says my average cycle is 26 days with 25 being the shortest and 27 longest??? I normally do get it every 25-27 days right on the money and like I said before, day 28 is over with in an hour. I'll play the chart game and see what comes up. Its only 3 days so its only about 5 days that I have to drive myself nuts.
The wedding was awesome! Had some snags, but then again nothing ever goes as planned and I can not wait!! to see the pics that were taken! We took some really good ones and then we got to take some really goofy ones. The kids were soooooooooo super cute! Ashe, Laiken and Mckinlee did awesome! Ashelynn looked so pretty in her dress with her hair all curled! I wanted to cry when I saw how grown up she looked! I'll be sure to post the link that I'll have my pics on or I may post some of them here.
We are moving on schedule after all. We are going to do an in route tdy move. Basically we are screwing the army and the system lol but it is TOTALLY legal. They pulled all the strings and loops to make sure we were still leaving on time on Thursday and it was all finalized Friday so. They come Monday for the pre-inventory and then friday to pack up. Im ready for all og this to be over with thats for damn sure.
Monday I am going to go cut and color my hair. Wes wants me to go back blonde but I with that I am just going to go with a light brown and blonde highlights. Sounds better to me because I didnt like the blonde all in my hair. The most I'll compromise with him is the lightbrown/dark blonde. I'm also butting about 5 inches off my hair to make it collar bone length. Thats alot of hair and he is not dealing with it so well but I am tired of my hair and the fact that it wont hold a curl anymore with out mass amounts of hairspray!
Heres the link to my chart if you wanna see.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/646e1

FUCK THE ARMY

So lets see, we are all set to move, sorted (well almost sorted stuff out) put in our 30 day notice with the leasing office, I quit my job, movers are coming next week and what happens? He gets a freaking letter in his AKO that says his new DROS date is August 10. hes not worried about it, hes already got orders blah blah blah. So, he calls me today and tells me, "Well looks like we are here until August". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW????? I have no job, no place to live because I REFUSE to stay here in this shit hole apt any longer and my house is in total disarray!! I can not believe that this is happening! I am so fucking sick of the Army!!! I have been stressed out beyond belief, arguing over stupid shit with Wes because we are both stressed out

I just dont understand

I hate how you make me feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I am losing who I am jsut to please you. When I think that I am doing fine, you find a way to cut me down. I can't be who you want me to be while still continuing to be myself. I don't recognise myself in your eyes anymore.
I can't take the way you talk to me. It feels like I am not important enough for you to talk rationally to. I feel like you think that I am some type of idiot who is incapable of understanding you unless you talk to me like I am a child no older then my own or like I am some simpleton who just can't concieve rational thought. I need for you to have compassion and realize that I am not like everyone else that you deal with. I need for you to tell me the things that bother you and that you don't like before you scream and yell. I need... I need.... I need for you to be who you were 3 years ago......

great

Im freaking sick!!!! Our wedding is in 3 days and I have GREEN snot clogging up my nose!!! On top of that its making it hard to breath and my asthma is kickin in and low and behold I lost my inhaler over Christmas leave and I have no vehicle today because its getting the underbody spray on it for rust protection out in Wasilla so I couldn't make an appt to go to the dr to get another inhaler and maybe something to clean my nose out! UGH!!! I hate this crap. Im so happy to be leaving Alaska. When I was in Florida, the entire 4 months I was down there the only time I got sick was when I caught a stomach bug from someone. The 2 months I was in Pa, the only time I got sick was... well I didnt get sick, I left Fl with the stomach thing and it just kind of played out the rest of the way there. When I get back to Ak, I was sick 5 times in a 2 month span!!!! I again spent 3 weeks in Fl in 06 and didn't get sick once, I came back to ak for a week and had like a 24 hour big!!! I got that right before I left to Az. I was in Az and Ca for about a week and a half and didnt get sick. I came back and was sick 5 days after we got back!!! I spend 99% of my time sick I feel like and I blame it on this stupid state!! How is it that I can spend 4 months in another state and not get sick with a cold once but yet in this God foresaken state I am ALWAYS sick!!

Anyone

who has had a leep(s) knows that it makes your cervix really sensative. I thought that I was doomed for life to suffer pain while having sex. It has restricted our sexual freedom and that urge to have a little bit of "rough sex". I had asked about it at my last appt (by the way I got a letter in the mail telling me i was in FULL remission and didn't have to go back for another test until next year!!!) and she was trying to explain to me the positions of the cervix and blah blah blah. Well I evidently misunderstood her cause I thought she was telling me that the postilion of MY cervix had changed due to the leep. Duh Jessica, she was explain the position of the cervix in general when it comes to ovulation and all that stuff. After reading this thing on fertility friend, (my new FAVORITE website, thanks Jenn!) I understood a little bit better and it had me thinking. We had sex right around the time my chart said I was ovulating and I distinctly remember this because I told Wes when we were in the shower, that I didn't experience any pain or discomfort!! I thought maybe it was a fluke... So to test it out, we just HAD to have sex that night hahahaha. Well, still NO PAIN!!!! I was stoked!! So maybe we hit it on the money. I mean I'm not holding my breath or anything.
Yeah so that's my little story! There may be TMI but I don't care.

So ummany suggestions?

According to this thing I ovulated on CD 16. Its only 4 days after I thought I had but then again I based it on my CM. I had to adjust on of my temps .1 degree cause when I woke up I was bursting at the seams and about to pee my pants so the temp was off .1. It didnt change anything when i went back to make sure. So i had sex the day before and the day after so we shall see how this works out. I doubt I got myself knocked up but who knows.

Have any thoughts?


**edit** I forgot to put in the rest of my CM and yea, so after I realized it went back and fixed it so now my crosshairs are solid!

sick :(

I had what I thought was a stomach bug. My stomach had been hurting really bad and it seemed like everything I ate just went right through me and made me double over in pain. Well ladies and gents, I actually had food poisioning. It was horrible. Right now I just feel like I want to curl up in the fetal position and not move. Even water makes me feel nausious.
I tried to clean yesterday and got the living room done. I did however manage to make dinner too. I felt bad because I wanted to help wes go through our room but didn't get the strength to do it. He got a lot done though. I just need to put the BIG pile of clothes away. I;m hoping that I make it through the day. I just need to get through today and then I have 2 days off and then I only have 3 more days of work left!

I hate when things get lost

So I was gonna do some laundry tonight and pick up Ashes room but low and behold.. I have no laundry room key and I know if I go to the office right now she wont give me one because its to close to the time they close and he maintenance guys are gone for the day so... yeah I have to load the car up (cause my husband took my explorer) and head to my moms. Thank goodness she has toys for Ashe to play with. Im gonna take the dog so she can go run outside and get all her crap out because the last 2 nights, after standing outside for 30 minutes at a time, we have come home from going somewhere and she had pooped on the floor. I just gotta put a flippin sheet on my backseat to keep her from getting it hairy.
So I bought some OPK's tonight. I took the test and then realized I probably should have gone pee a couple times before I took it because I had drinken A LOT of tea when we went to dinner and it said to not drink a lot for at least 2 hours before so yea. The line was there, just a tad lighter then the other line. I'm gonna see how it turns out tomorrow. I think I already ovulated but we shall see. At least this gives me something to judge off of. I thought that I was getting ready to ovualte since I'm on day 13 and when I went to the dr I was on day 13 and she told me I was ovulating so I'm not to sure whats goin on. None the less, right now is just another excuse to bump some boots lol. The hubby went to play poker so he should be in a good mood when he comes home, assuming he doesn't go to Hurtz house tonight and lose a buttload like last time.
We met with the Batallion Chaplin today to finalize the wedding ceremony and fill out all the paperwork for the church. I had to make it known to him to not make any mention at all about us already being married because my Uncle doesn't know and we'd like to keep it that way. He's be hurt if he found out I was already married. I want him and my step dad to give me away. Don't know how that ones gonna work but hey, I can make it lol.
Well I guess time to go load the kid, dog and laundry up and head across town!

Sometimes ya just gotta

So, daylights savings is on Sunday. Not looking forward to it let me tell you. How dare they cut into my sleeping time lol. Oh well, only what, like 7 more working days left until I can sleep in? Yea right, there is so much to do still. I started DEEP DEEP cleaning the house the other day. I pulled out all the funiture away from the walls and cleaned the floor boards and the walls and under the heaters and the blinds and all that stuff. Yesterday i did the kitchen. I pulled out the fridge and the stove and did under them and the floor boards, I scrubbed the floors, cleaned under the heater in the dining room, the blinds in there, the walls. I also did the bathroom the other day. That one was easy cause it always gets a scrub down. Im really picky about my bathroom so it gets scrubbed from top to bottom almost every week if not every couple of days.
I need to start on Ashes bedroom. I think that I'll start that today when I get home. I need to go threw all her toys and decide what Im keeping and what to get rid of. Then I need to clean her baseboards and her walls. Im need to do her window and blinds. Im also gonna finish putting all her clothes that don't fit her in those space saver bags. OMG!! those things are awesome!! I have already used 4 of them and let me tell you, it got rid of like 8 boxes of clothes!! After that Im gonna clean her carpet. Not like it needs it. When Wes was deployed, I seem to have taken all my frustration and anger out on the carpets and shampooed them at least 3-4 times a month lol. Yeah Im a loser. After that, its on to our room!! Yeah I don't even wanna think about it. We have so many boxes in our room because we had no where to store them. I also need to start sticking the clothes that we dont wear all the time in the space saver bags. I just want to make it an easy process when the movers come. Im also gonna see if I can't get rid of some of the boxes. Im sure that some of them are only half full so that should help. The baseboards shouldn't be bad because I did them after we got rid of the dog to get rid of any hair that might linger. I do need to get up and clean the ceiling from where the candle left a black mark. Pretty much the only thing I want to have to do after the movers pack up the house is just the closet shelves, the kitchen cabinets and the floors as well as have the carpets cleaned. The carpets are the only thing I wont have to clean myself!
Im not so stressed out anymore. Now that Im realizing its not as big a job as I thought it would be I'm feeling better. Boy do I suck at spelling.. took me 3 tries to spell better lol. I think the biggest thing that I'm worried about is the drive with Ashe. I shouldn't be because shesa good car rider, just it is a long time for her to be in the car. Work is also something that is bothering me. The boss' are actually getting upset with me because I wont stay longer!! They don't feel comfortable I guess with the three other guys that are here because nothing is getting done and Im the one doing the clean up. That and they are gettin ready to move th Ops Department and the duties are changing so the want me to stick around for that. Im thinking about telling them that I'll come in for a couple hours in the afternoon like3 times a week to help out but thats all. That or tell them I'll go sit in with each person on each shift to make sure they know what they are supposed to be doing. Not that that would help because after I leave they are just gonna go right back to doing jack shit.
Today has turned out to be a pretty good. Started out crappy, but the sun is out now and it just looks like scattered clouds.. (I know I bounce around but thats my... hey look something shiney!) I do have a lot on my mind but I just need to sort it all out in my head in order to put it into words. Its something that Wes and I talked about the other night and something that somone else said ironically lol. Hmmm... seems to be on everyones minds lately I guess. That or we are just smart women who see things in a true light ;)

YAYNESS FOR NEWNESS!

So yesterday I was all stoked to go shopping after work. I got home, washed my hair and put my make-up on. (im tired of looking frumpy because of work). I looked up some stuff on the computer and then Kristin called me to tell me that she was downstairs. So I go out and get in the truck and she tells me that we need to take Racheal back to post. Braxton had shut the door on Darrin and locked them both out so she said she took Racheal with her so she didn't have to wait outside in the cold for them to come unlock the door. So we get there and Kristin pulls into the garage. Ok a little weird, why if we are just dropping her off. Kristin tells me she needs to get something. So we go inside and there in the livingroom is Jenn, Laura, Erin and Anita (and later Melissa). I was like ummm ok, whats going on. They threw me a suprise bridal shower. I had fun and it was nice to hang out without kids and do silly things. We made up a story that Im gonna post as a myspace bulletin so if you see it and it looks odd, thats it lol.
Then after everyone leaves, Im waiting for Kristin to decide whether she wants to go out tonight cause if she does, we still have to go to the mall and then she can take me home. Well, we decide to opt out and just order pizza. So I call my husband who I haven't seen ALL DAY!! since I left him in bed that morning to go to work, to find out where him and Ashe are so they can come over. He told me that they were on their way home and had stopped to get Ashe some popcorn.. Yeah ok, what the hell, we have it at home and you two have been in Wasilla all day. So I wait about 40 min and still no hubby and daughter.... I call again and no answer... I call again... no answer. So after a couple min he calls me back and says hes almost to Ft. Rich. Cool, that means like getting ready to hit the gate. 10 min goes by and they aren't there. So I call and he says, "this drive is longer then I thought." They were in Wasilla still when I had talked to him. So, I go in the kitchen to make some cucumber salad and then they walk in. So I go in and hug and kiss ashes and get her coat and boots off and I pick her up and I ask her what she did today. She tells me "I ate and went with daddy and I got a new car!" BUSTED!!!! He bought it!!! Im so stoked!!! Its an 08 Limited Explorer. Its got the Nav system which is super cool and sync in it for your phone. Its got a moon roof (he wanted the moon instead of the dvd. we are gonna put in headrest dvd's) got the power step rails that come out when you open the door, third row electric seating. Its the bomb basically. (Yes I said bomb lol)
I got to drive it home last night because we played some drinking games and NO WAY was he going to drive my brand new truck home after a few beers. Hes something of a light weight now plus I dont drink anymore really anyways . I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the way it drives. Im not allowed to officially take it for my car until Tuesday. Ya know the whole little boy with a new toy thing... Well he figures since he has Ashe he gets it today and tomorrow he has to go back and finish all the paerwork since the bank was closed by the time it was all done. So I get it tuesday. I have to go today after work to go clean out my car so he can start using it on Tuesday. Its not dirty, I just need to vacumme out the dog hair from Gidgette when I brought her to the house and take out Ashes toys and clean the windows (from my daughter) and Armoral it. Other then that its clean. Im prolly gonna wash the floor matts and clean the seats. Not that they need it cause I just did it not that long ago but he bought me a pretty new car so I want to make sure that the old one hes taking is all pretty and clean. Not that it wont be a mess shortly after from him anyways lol.
Yesterday was a good day. Im happy and very thankful that I have such wonderful friends. Im really gonna miss you guys when i leave :(

hahahahahahahahahahahaah

I'm tired of your empty threats. Every time you say, "well expect papers" I just have to laugh cause it never goes any farther. You think that they are gonna give someone of your character, who bitches about having to pay child support, who agreed IN COURT that you would pay for her plane tickets to come see you until age 11, and then try and tell me I have to pay for the tickets for her to see you again because you paid last time, who doesn't call his daughter for months on end leaving me to explain to a 3 year old why her other daddy doesn't call her yet her daddy that lives with her will call her while hes at work to tell her he loves and misses her all the time, who wants to complain because I said he had to stay in Virginia for a week while we were there because its going to be a lot of change for her with moving and being away from everything she knows, more custody? Think again.
You are selfish and only think about yourself and not the well being of your daughter. Did you ever stop to think that having everything she knows taken away from her and being in a place she doesn't know, around people she barely knows isn't going to be a traumatic adjustment on its own? You want to throw in taking her away from the only person she knows and bring her hundreds more miles away around more people she doesn't know and stay with you, who she really doesn't know all to well? Man, you need to grow up.
Go ahead and try and tell a judge I never let you see her. You agreed in court that you would come to where she was to see her unless I agreed that you could take her. Well guess what, I'm not agreeing to it so that means you have to come to her! As for "never" letting you see her, what a joke. You had her every other weekend from April 05- Aug 05, you got to see her in June 06 in which you kept her for a week and then for a week and a half Dec 06 and then on top of that, I let you take her to Idaho against my better judgement for 3 weeks! Yeah, go ahead, tell a judge I never let you see her. The one time I did agree for you to take her out of state, she comes home with a busted tooth that you tried to play off like it had always been that way because you were irresponsible and left her in a bathtub, with only a 5 year old and walked away! You went and did your damn dishes and couldn't hear her call you to go to the bathroom! What would have happened if she would have busted her head and knocked herself unconscious while trying to get out of the tub? The other kid in the tub wouldn't have known what to do and you most certainly wouldn't have heard her calling you! Yes, I may leave her in the tub and walk into a different room, but here's the difference between you and I. My house is smaller, I am able to hear her from whatever room I am in. I don't leave her alone for more then a min at a time and if I take longer then I thought, I at least say her name to check on her. I don't worry about her drowning because I don't put a lot of water in the tub. I don't worry about her slipping because I have safe guarded my tub and if she tries to get out by herself, she has enough grip so she wont slip and something on the floor to make sure she won fall when she gets out.
Please, go ahead and request more. I will bring all your dirt out in the open and I seriously doubt they will give someone who is going to Korea more custody. The judge will tell you to wait and revisit the situation later. I also don't think that your history with your daughter and your recurrent history of not calling for months on end will help you. Tell you what, you continue to not bitch about have to pay $500 a month to support your daughter, and make more of an effort to be a part of her life and not BITCH about having to pay to see her, then maybe, just maybe, you might get more in return.
I also love how you try and tell the military that you are her main provider. Hahahaha what a freaking joke. When you provide ALL of your income to taking care of her and making sure that she has a roof over her head, clothes on her back and food to fill her up, then you can claim that you provide for her more then 50%. Until then, don't act like you do.
I also don't give a flying fuck if anyone shows him this. I'm not trying to hide anything and I back up everything that I say. I have every email conversation with him, every IM, every phone bill that shows how many times he has called and how many times I have had to call him the last almost 4 years. I have proof that he filed a false report with the state as well as defamation of character on my behalf. Funny thing that nothing was ever done, nothing was ever investigated and you believed someone who has a history of lying, who has restraining orders out on her and has been investigated herself and found guilty of the charges brought against her. You are hilarious!!

Umm yeah.....

So I bought a BBT yesterday and yeah, Im kinda weirded out a little bit about it. I looked and looked and looked until i found one that I THOUGHT was an oral one. Yeah right..... I had looked online cause I dont know, the thought of taking it vaginally just seemed, I dont know, creepy. (yes I know its my body, I have no problem sticking things in there.. that came out wrong you get the idea though) but its the thought of sticking THAT in there. Stupid internet and all its lies! IT LIES I TELL YOU!!! Oh well, gotta do what you gotta do right?

I dont know I might go one other place and look and if i find it i'll return it. I figure that for this month and next while in the process of moving and settling, I'll just keep track of my temps and then after that start trying. Im pretty sure I know when I ovulate, I just want to increase my odds. (I never seem to want to have sex when I am, I have to force myself) so I figure with the icrease and the time of month, I can better plan and we can get busy right before lol.

We are gonna do out packout on the 26th of march so that way we can be out of the apt by the 1 of April so we can save on a months rent. We are just gonna stay with my momma for 2 weeks. Im sure she'll drive me nuts in that time because I wont be working and she'll be all bitchy cause im sure there will be toys in her livingroom. Oh well, that woman could clean all day and then see a speck of dirt, like microscopic and complain that the house is filthy and do it all over again. Im not so stressed about the wedding anymore, just the moving part. Oh and the new car part. We are looking at the explorer limited. Fully loaded, Nav/sync system, drop down dvd, thrid row, the electric side steps that come out when you open the door. Power everything. Wes talked them down to 37000 which is like almost 10000 less then they wanted and got them to give him 3000 extra for his truck. We ca do the payments no problem, just I think we can get them cheaper so hes gonna go to them with pay 14000 for his truck and give us the vehicle at 35000. The rebates can pay the difference for his truck. If they wont do it we'll prolly tell them we'll think about it and go see what they have in Wasilla and if they dont have what we want then see if they will make another offer there and if we like it take it. Wes delt with the manager so we know we will get what they offer us. Im pretty sure wes said something and then told them he would think about it so im sure they will call with a better offer today. He wont tell me when hes gonna go buy it. He said that hes gonna suprise me with it. He also said that he gets to drive it the first day.. Umm wait a min, I thought that this was MY car? I have to wait to drive it? Well if he gets it this weekend I guess Sunday is his day hahahahahahahahaha.

I think hes all caught up in the extras but I do think that we need the nav system, (especially being somewhere new and me alone) and the dvd player will be awesome on the drive down for Ashe. I dont know, I think once we get it I'll feel better. The same with moving. I think once its in motion I'll feel better.

Uh

Do ya know that feelin you get when you are gonna start your period? That ucky, crampy, feel bloated, legs and back hurt, feelin kinda leaky like you started feeling? Well I have that and I HATE it. I wish I would just get it over with already!!! I woke up feeling sick and my stomach hurt EXTREMELY bad. Its not bad enough that I gotta be upset that im actually getting my period, but I gotta feel like shit in the process before I get it. I hate mother nature and I wish it would go away!! Ok well not go away but at least not be so horrible to me. I mean, I already gotta bleed, why cant I just do it pain free and fast??? I was standing a the counter looking into the break room telling someone I was gonna go grab food and i was like "oh need to go potty" so i grab a tampon, go in and yeah disappointed cause looks like Im gonna have this feeling for awhile :( Would be great if I were pregnant but Im not that loved.
Im feeling pretty good right now, now pain but boy when it hits, I wanna curl up in the fetal postition on the floor and stick my thumb in my mouth and lay there! Ok thats my bitch for today.

Self-Centered

I am so tired of people being self centered! Why the fuck does everything have to be about you? Grrrrrrrrr!!!! I also like how you tell someone something KNOWING that they are going to tell the person you are talking to them about and you find out about it not even 5 hours later. If you want to know what I am talking about just let me know and I will email you the info!!!! You actually might find it halarious!!!
Anyways enough about that. Well maybe not but for right now, yes! The ball was fun. A LOT of drinking lol. After the ball we went out to the bar and yeah, lets just say that I reached a whole new level of drunkenness!! I haven't drunk in so long. It was nice to be able to go out and have some fun. Dinner was awesome. I was in love with the mashed potatoes lol. Met a lot of new people, not people that Im sure I'll be friends with but people that are pretty cool. (by not being friends I mean people that I wont make a real effort to keep in contact with when I leave)
I just wanted to say congrats to Anita!! She just found out she was pregnant and I got one of the first phone calls. Granted, it stings because well yeah, we're trying, but Im still happy for her!!
hmmm what else. I only have to work today and then I have the next 2 days off. I have Fri-Sun off so yeah hahahaha lost of days off this week. I only have about 25 days left of work. I cant wait. I have been having som pretty bad nights and havin to get up at 0445 is getting alittle hard now. I dont know why but i wake up at odd hours and cant go back to sleep or I wake up and I itch for like hours!! I have also been having weird dreams!
Ok well I actually have to work now!

Love doesn't come from the heart, it comes from his pants!

So my drs appt went really good. She said everything looked good. I had minimal scarring on my cervix, there was no scarring over the opening of my cervix, my ovaries felt fine so that means my cyst is gone, she said that everything was moist down there like it was supposed to be (not sure what that ment) and that I was ovulating. She did the pap and of course I bled a whole bunch because she irritated the scar tissue that was down there. She also did an HPV test because she wanted to make sure before I got that gaurdisil (sp) shot that I didn't have it and if I did what type so that she could make sure it protected me against that strand. My last pap that I had was negative for HPV so Im not sure why she would test me again especially since my blood work came back clean. It should take a week for them to get back to me if my pap was positive for reaccuring cells and if not, just a little letter in the mail telling me Im good to go!! That means I would only need one more test in 6 months and then I get to go once a year and after 2 years of negative results I get to go every three years. Once I hit that point Im considered in remission!!! I can't freakin wait to hit that mark.
Im trying to get Wes to go in and get a SA but hes unwilling. He is in denial now that Im healthy and the dr said I should be good. She said from all my past u/s and x-rays its all perfect. I just think we haven't hit it at the right time. We only have 6 months to go until we are considered to have fertility problems. Im not worried, I'm not so stressed out about it just for the fact that I figure its out of my control. No matter how hard I wish and try, that its not gonna make it happen any faster.
Tomorrow is the ball and Im excited!! Get to get all pretty, wear a pretty dress and go out with my hubby! After words we are all going to Plat Jaxx. Im going from Glam to Hoochie that night so I'll be sure to take lots of pictures! Im just excited for an adult night out. I mean, we are going to dinner tonight but we are taking ashe with us so its not really alone time.
Today has gone by a little slow. I've cleaned a lot at work so yeah, now there is nothing to do.....
There was more that I wanted to say but I can't remember.
Oh yeah. Last night I was talkin to Ashe and she looked at me and said "Can I call my other daddy?" (meaning matt) and I told her no cause it was late there and he was prolly in bed. Then, she said, and this part killed me, "How come he doesn't call me? My daddy calls me when hes at work cause he loves me. How come my other daddy doesn't call?" This coming from a 3 almost 4 year old!!! I almost wanted to cry and I didn't know how to answer her. I just told her that he has been busy. He hasn't called her since Christmas. I didn't even think that she would remember or think about it because she has never said anything about him. Im at a loss for words.

Sometimes being lost and confused is the right way to be

I have been going to be SUPER early lately. Wed night I went to bed at 830, Thursday was the same. Friday I layed down with Wes before he left to play poker and I was asleep by 8. Saturday the same thing. I think I was gone by 830. Last night I fell asleep at 730!!! I woke up a few times but that was Wes waking me up. He woke me up at 10 to give me kisses and tell me good night and to get me to roll over so he could snuggle with me. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I want to try and stay up a little later tonight since I don't have work tomorrow and my drs appt isnt until 11 but I dont know if I can do it.

After my drs appt Im gonna go and have lunch with Anita since she works in the hospital and we are gonna make plans to meet up before the Home Coming concert so that we can sit together since its all general admission. Im kinda excited for some reason about it. I mean I know its only Billy Raye Cyrus and Bowling for Soup and some other people but I guess its because its something that Wes and I get to do together and its some adult time!! Not that I dont love my baby girl because I do and I miss her terribly when she sin't with me, Im just happy to be able to do something. She was with my mom Saturday night and all of Sunday and we wet shopping alone without her yesterday and it was nice, but Saturday I was alone because Wes had courtesy patrol so yeah, I was alone,

Friday is the ball and I found out that since he had staff duty during the week and his weekend duty was considered the courtesy patrol that he wont have staff duty on the 16 cause that would give him 3 details and someon else one. Im happy. We got a hotel room at the Sheraton for the night. That way we can get ready there and then change and grab a cab with everyone after the ball to go out and that way its cheaper to go back to the hotel cause we all only have to take one cab. Im so happy that hes home and we can do all this stuff together now instead of me doing it alone.
Nice I have a UTI! Gotta love havin bad kidneys!

Some days are better then other

So I have my appt on Tuesday. Im kinda nervous about it because I dont think that I could handle the outcome if its the same as it has been before. I mean, I had a glim of hope with my last screening when it came out clear but having another positive result, I don't know what I would do. I told Wes that I didn't want to have anymore surgeries and that if this test came back positive and the biopsy came back low grade to moderate, that I just wanted to wait and watch it because the last surgery was hard on me and I don't want go through that again.
This whole baby thing is starting to consume me. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me because it will happen when the time is right. Well, Im struggeling with it. Last night while Wes was went to a friends to play poker, I watched that movie "15 and Pregnant" and at the end of it I started to cry. I couldn't figure out why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Ashe when I didn't want to and its so hard this time. I think that maybe its something I did. Something that I did caused me to get cancer. I caused it. I know that I shouldn't think like that because nothing I did caused me to get cancer, its just something that happens but its still hard to not blame yourself when you are in denial.
I know what all the drs have said in the past, that Im fine, Im clear to try and get pregnant and I shouldn't have any problems but I don't know. My biggest fear is that my cervix is scarred so bad that nothing is getting through. Another fear is that my cervix is so incompitant that I will have amiscarriage or another premature birth. I dont think I could handle that. Being pregnant andhaving another miscarriage or having to sit in the NICU and see my baby hooked up to all the tubes and monitors. That wa the scariest thing I have ever had to go through is seeing that and feeling so helpless.
I guess I only have to drive myself crazy with the unknown on the cervix front for 3 more days and then a week for the test result. I have a long list of questions for the dr. Im sure shes gonna love me by the end of the appt!