so tired

Of being pregnant. I know I am only 18 weeks and still have some time, but Im so over it haha. It hasn't been as bad as it was with Ashelynn, but I have Pubic Sympysis Disorder (my placenta is making WAY to much relaxin way to early and causing my joints and ligaments to become soft and seperate) which is WAY painful. I also learned at my u/s to measure the length of my cervix that some of the blood vessels of the placenta are implanted to deep in my uterus which at delivery can cause massive bleeding and possibly result in a hystorectomy. A hystorectamy? Are you freakin kinddin me? At 24-25 years old?!?!?!? Yea so Im kinda really paranoid about that. i guess thats really the only two reasons I am ready to have this baby. The longer I am pregnant the more of a risk I run at having to have a hystorectamy. On the plus side of that, it wont put me into menopause because I'll still have my ovaries, but what good do ovaries do you if you dont have a uterus? I guess some could contend about what good does a uterus do you if you dont have ovaries.
Im thinking about having my eggs harvested and donating them. I figure since I still have them and my body will still be producing them, why not donate them to someone who needs it? That or donating an entire ovary. I really only need one for the hormone production to keep me from having hot flashes so why not? Give someone else a chance. I know most people are like "wouldnt you wonder about it later, what those kids are like?" Here's my theory on it. Im going to have no bond with this baby. Im not going to carry it, Im not going to be apart of pregnancy process(there from start to finish) so I wont worry or wonder. Sure its my genetic makeup in that baby but I didn't invest anytime in it so no, it wouldn't bother me. I struggled to get pregnant so why cant I help someone else? By all rights, I shouldn't even be pregnant right now, this is my miracle baby to say the least. With as scarred over as my cervix is, they aren't sure how anything managed to get through. I know how much it sucks and how emotionally draining it is to try month after month with no results so if I can make it that much easier for someone else then I am all for it. I want that to be my contribution to life.
On a more positive note, baby is good, growing fine. A little on the small side but so was Ashey. This baby is right on with the measurements for my gestation, but the weight is a little under. Im a small person so they aren't worried about it. I go on the 7th for my 20 week u/s and hopefully he puts in my anatomical u/s and I can make the appt. Im just not thrilled at waiting 3-4 weeks for it since they are that far behind in radiology so Im hoping he'll put it in as a must have. (big fat chance on that one) Im starting to get out of that, "is she fat or pregnant" stage and starting to take a nice round shape. I was so worried that I was gonna blow up this time around but so far, my size and gain has mimiced my pregnancy with Ashelynn.

Anyone

who has had a leep(s) knows that it makes your cervix really sensative. I thought that I was doomed for life to suffer pain while having sex. It has restricted our sexual freedom and that urge to have a little bit of "rough sex". I had asked about it at my last appt (by the way I got a letter in the mail telling me i was in FULL remission and didn't have to go back for another test until next year!!!) and she was trying to explain to me the positions of the cervix and blah blah blah. Well I evidently misunderstood her cause I thought she was telling me that the postilion of MY cervix had changed due to the leep. Duh Jessica, she was explain the position of the cervix in general when it comes to ovulation and all that stuff. After reading this thing on fertility friend, (my new FAVORITE website, thanks Jenn!) I understood a little bit better and it had me thinking. We had sex right around the time my chart said I was ovulating and I distinctly remember this because I told Wes when we were in the shower, that I didn't experience any pain or discomfort!! I thought maybe it was a fluke... So to test it out, we just HAD to have sex that night hahahaha. Well, still NO PAIN!!!! I was stoked!! So maybe we hit it on the money. I mean I'm not holding my breath or anything.
Yeah so that's my little story! There may be TMI but I don't care.

Some days are better then other

So I have my appt on Tuesday. Im kinda nervous about it because I dont think that I could handle the outcome if its the same as it has been before. I mean, I had a glim of hope with my last screening when it came out clear but having another positive result, I don't know what I would do. I told Wes that I didn't want to have anymore surgeries and that if this test came back positive and the biopsy came back low grade to moderate, that I just wanted to wait and watch it because the last surgery was hard on me and I don't want go through that again.
This whole baby thing is starting to consume me. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me because it will happen when the time is right. Well, Im struggeling with it. Last night while Wes was went to a friends to play poker, I watched that movie "15 and Pregnant" and at the end of it I started to cry. I couldn't figure out why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Ashe when I didn't want to and its so hard this time. I think that maybe its something I did. Something that I did caused me to get cancer. I caused it. I know that I shouldn't think like that because nothing I did caused me to get cancer, its just something that happens but its still hard to not blame yourself when you are in denial.
I know what all the drs have said in the past, that Im fine, Im clear to try and get pregnant and I shouldn't have any problems but I don't know. My biggest fear is that my cervix is scarred so bad that nothing is getting through. Another fear is that my cervix is so incompitant that I will have amiscarriage or another premature birth. I dont think I could handle that. Being pregnant andhaving another miscarriage or having to sit in the NICU and see my baby hooked up to all the tubes and monitors. That wa the scariest thing I have ever had to go through is seeing that and feeling so helpless.
I guess I only have to drive myself crazy with the unknown on the cervix front for 3 more days and then a week for the test result. I have a long list of questions for the dr. Im sure shes gonna love me by the end of the appt!