onward and upward right?

Its been so long since I have been here. I have been working on verbally expressing how I feel with no remorse about how it comes out, so far so good I think. I've also decided to keep some family aspects private for awhile. Just know that all is well and we are all healthy and doing well.

With no one around to talk to and get my feelings out, I have decided to return to you my old friend. No rest for the wicked right? I'm all out of sorts lately. It seems as of late, everything that I want doesn't matter. He has the deciding factor in it all. Only his opinion and what he wants stands and it drives me crazy. I want another baby, fine, he was on board, we were trying all was good. I went home and I SWEAR to gosh he had this conversation with himself but thinks he had it with me. When I got home we were sitting on the couch and I mentioned we only have a short time to keep trying.. after that, all HELL broke loose. He was yelling that we had this conversation and that we were NOT going to try anymore. Umm last thing baby related I heard from you was when I was home and that was "Don't drink until you get your period but I'm hoping that you dont!" Yea thats really having a conversation with me,
I got over it, whatever, I understand the reasons for holding off, I'm totally ok with it. BUT I still have this HORRIBLY STRONG maternal need to have a baby. Its not just a needing or wanting. It's hard to explain and most wouldn't understand except for those who live the life I live everyday. I LOVE knowing that I have a peice of him. I love knowing that even when he's not here and is far away, I still have him here with me. Heaven forbid that one day when he is again deployed something happen to him, I want AS MUCH OF HIM WITH ME AS I POSSIBLY CAN!! I NEED to HAVE that. It eats me up inside to know that he doesn't care when I say this. He thinks that I'm just making stuff up and that I will say anything to get my way. I feel like my thoughts and opinions mean nothing to him and they are stupid.
Where do I go from this point?
Everything is an argument. He is in a different place then he used to be. He's not the same man. He's some place that I can not reach him or help him. He knows this, infact, he is fully aware of it and has finally admitted this after almost a year and a half of me saying it. I don't know at which point he hit his rock bottom to realize this but it happened. I don't know what to say to him or how to help him but this doesn't stop me from trying and reaching out to him. I love this man to much to let this come between us. I give EVERYTHING I can to him but some how it never seems enough and he doesn't see that I do. Most would walk away and let him be in his own and let him figure it out himself, but I am not most. I love this man soooo much that I am willing to go to where he is when needed to help but being fully aware of when I need to leave and put my head back above the water.
While I will do everything that I can for him, I realize that he has a disease, a disease that I know all too well about. I know that he has to figure it out for himself and can only get better by asking for help. I also know that he is two strong willed to ask for help... or is that to stubborn? At what point do I have to walk away though? I have yet to figure this out.
I feel like I am a second rate citizen to him these days. I am some immagrant who needs to conform, who has no rights and no voice. I feel as though I am no longer his equal, no longer do I feel he thinks of me as his wife. I feel as though I am the maid, the woman who cleans his clothes, picks up the house, makes him food and cares for his children. I feel he only looks at me as his wife, his equal when he wants something from me. I feel used, worn and unappreciated.
I know he loves me, this I don't doubt. I know that he would bend over backwards for me, walk to the edge of the earth and back for me......occassionally.... Sometimes I catch a glimps of the man I fell in love with, the man that stole my heart and the man that I can't live without. Sometimes I think I see him but then I wonder if its really that man or some imposter who is only decieving me. Someone thats not really there but pretends to be to trick me into believing he's still there.
The ones that I HATE for making him this way, the career that he picked before we even knew one another existed, I blame for taking this man away from me and making it impossible for his to ask for help. They did this to him, offer him these resources for help but slap conequences on him for doing so. This thing that I HATE so much, I also know is something that no matter how much we want to get away from, the thing we talk about leaving and moving on from, is the thing that will be in our lives forever. We will never be able to get away from it, no matter how much we say we are and threaten to.
I no longer recognize myself. I am a shell of the person I used to be. No longer fun and energentic. No long the person who was so full of life and so confident. I have been broken down with no way to rebuild. Never again will I be that person no matter how much I want to, its just not in me. There is no energy to. I have accepted this, come to terms with it and said my goodbyes. I sent my condolences a long time ago and my well wishes.
Where do I go from here?

Was it the right decision?

So it's been awhile. K had his 6 month check-up last month. Went ok for the most part, until.... he had to get his blood drawn for a hemeglben check to check on his anemia. Lets just say not where the Dr wanted them to be, they dropped so he put him back on the iron which I, for the life of me can not get him to take. He chipmonks it and then spits it out. I have to take him back in September for another level check. We'll see how that goes.
I often wonder if we made the right decision so many months ago in opting out of having a transfusion. Would we still be having these issues of him being anemic like he is? There is always the threat of him needing a transfusion as long as his numbers are as low as they are, but what if we would have done it then? I feel so bad having to take him month after month getting pricked and having his blood taken from his little body. They still don't know why he is like this, Im feeling as though they never will. I know I shouldn't think like this because other than that, he is healthy, his heart murmor is gone and he is growing like crazy. He has no developemental issues from his bili being as high as it was for so long, infact, he's doing things ahead of when he should.
Moving on, it's too depressing. A's hernia surgery went good. Shes now got a flat belly button as opposed to it sticking out. They put 2 permanent sutures in. The hole was a little bigger than he thought. She was sore for the first day and a half and then.... I couldn't keep her still. I had to take her to the ER though to have the gauze taken off. There was so much glue that it glues the gauze to her incision. I tried forever to get it off, soaking it, putting a wet cloth on it, and finally took her there and the lady had it off in like 5 min!!!
My knee surgery went well, Still stuck in that stupid brace until the middle of August but other than that, doing ok. I had 4 weeks no weight/walking with sucked cause L left for Ranger school a week after I had it done. Taking care of a 6-7 month old is not so easy when you can't walk. A has been such a BIG help.
She starts school on the 20th and i am soooo SAD!! My baby is 5!! Where did the time go that she's already in kindergarden? K is all over the place and is standing!!! He pulls himself up on everything. He is even getting brave enough to let go and he throws his head back and laughs! My 8 month old is a riot. He yells at the top of his lungs too. I just wish he would sleep through the night!

Butt Hiccups

Ok, so i dont want to sound like a complainer but.... HOW THE HEL DO PEOPLE MANAGE TO HAVE A KID AND BE PREGNANT!!! I am so tired!!! Ok I know I know, Im at the end of this roller coaster of hormones and overly exaggerated emotions (due to hormones) and not feeling well, bein overly tired, not sleeping, not being able to get comfy, but dang! I have to rock back and forth a little just to be able to roll to get out of bed lol. I feel like humpty dumpty!
I have a drs appt on thursday and hopefully can schedule my section date. Im gonn beg for him to take him at 37 weeks if i make it. The last couple days I have had cramping and contractions. I almost went to L&D the other night because they were so bad I couldn't sleep. Thankfully they tapered off in the morning and i was able to get like an hour of sleep. It may have been an hour but it was a much needed hour. A has been soooo good about letting me relax and keeping herself busy and stayin out of trouble. I feel bad some days cause i know she wants to go out and play but I just cant muster the energy.
I started letting the puppy in the back yard and am glad to say that after having to take her out 2 times, she is now whining at the door to go out and go potty. I also figured that since she is going out there and I put the baby gates infront of the main gate that i would start lettin A out there with her to play. Im gonna ask housing if they can stick a storm door on the back door so I can leave it open while they are out there. I want it for a couple reasons, that being a main one. Leaving that door open bugs go in the house, you can hear everything that goes on outside and inside my house even with the door closed and Im not comfy with that. I shouldn't be able to hear the bugs chirping or the rain as it falls like Im standing outside.