Just something random

I've realized that in the last 3 years, I have spent a lot of time by myself. Its made me realize a lot about myself. I've come to realize that I do well on my own. I can think for myself more and I like not having to rely on someone to do things for me. Granted, there are some things that I can't do myself and it is nice to have someone else around, but I'm pretty good at living by myself, I think I've had enough practice.
Having L home from Iraq has definately been a BIG adjustment. I'm used to doing things in my own time. If the house is messy, its ok cause its just ashe and I and 9 times out of 10 its just toys and well, anyone who has toddlers or has watched toddlers knows that its pointless to clean everyday. I dont go threw that many dishes so I dont worry whether the dishes get done every day. I can just chill, relax and spend time with A and worry about all the other stuff when she goes to bed. Having L home has drastically changed that. With him it has to be clean EVERYDAY and toys on the floor is unacceptable. Dishes have to be done everyday and Heaven forbid they sit in the dishwasher longer then the next morning. I have a TON of laundry to do and it seems like I could clean the house from top to bottom and within 5 min of him being home, its trashed again and its not the child that did it. I can see the need to make the house look decent, just for peace of mind, but to have it SPOTLESS all day every day, man I tell you what, I might as well quit at this whole house wife thing.
Now that Im pregnant this is getting harder to do because although I am in my second trimester, I am still low on energy and I still have plenty of days where I dont feel good and I am sluggish. While he is now getting a better understanding of day to day life with a child and realizing that life can not be perfect and neither can your house, he still has his moments. I told him that if he thinks that its bad now that I am slow to do things, he needs to wait and see what its like when I have this baby because NOTHING is going to get done for awhile. I am having a repeat c-section which is going to be a lot more painful and take a lot longer to recover from then the first one, but I am going to have to juggle a 4 year old and (a 95% chance that this baby will be) a premie, that I am going to have no energy what so ever. Its bad enough having a newborn with the no sleep in the begining but with a premie the sleep is even less.
Im drifting off, which I tend to do lately, but having him gone to BNOC, I miss him a ton, but the peace and quiet and relaxation is nice, very nice. I think that I need to have more time to myself when L gets home before the baby comes. Whether it be shopping by myself, or going for a drive by myself or even locking myself in my room and just relaxing, Im going to do it. I NEED to do it. I need to do it for my sanity and to keep from losing my mind with constantly cleaning the house.