Why are the shortest seperations the hardest?

Today K had an appt to figure out why hes still spitting up like he is. It has gotten sooo bad that he even spits up while he eats. The did an ultrasoud to rule out Pyloric Stenosis and although they told me it came back normal, i don't have much faith in that because they couldn't get a good picture for measurments. The angle always showed the opening flat on the bottom instead of a full circle. I was kinda ticked at the ultra sound tech when she kept going, its not round but oh well it will do. I felt like yelling at her and being like, " LOOK YOU LAZY PEICE OF CRAP! THIS IS MY KID WE ARE DEALING WITH AND THIS IS A SERIOUS CONDITION THAT REQUIRES SURGERY TO FIX AND MAKE HIM BETTER, DONT TELL ME, "OH WELL IT WILL DO!" They also did an x-ray to check the anatomy of his insides just to make sure it all looked good. Didn't have the results of that before we left so I don't know.
They changed him from zantac to previced which is a proton pump inhibator. Its supposed to work better than the zantac so we will see. My poor little man is wore out from spitting up so much and he hasn't been sleeping well he passed out at 7 which is not like him at all. I'm really hoping that the previced works because I am at my witts end. He hasn't eaten but maybe 3 times today and normally he eats about 10 times a day. He's also only eaten about 5-10 min at a time instead of his normal 30-40 min. I changed his diaper at 600 and just checked him and he's still dry so we are on 5 hours of not peeing. I may have to take him to the er.
These last 10 days have been extremely hard and I don't know why. Normally I am fine when L is gone to the field or out on rotation or something else, but, these last 10 days have been really hard. I miss him WAY more than normal. It's hard to explain. I think the only way to sum it up is that I feel like I did while he was deployed but 10x more. I haven't slept lately so I think that that plays a HUGE part in it. He made me feel loads better yesterday when he called me to tell me he missed me. Made me feel good for about 3 hours but then it made me miss him even more. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like Im gonna break down and cry at any moment. I think I just need something familiar. I need to go home to see everyone I think is my problem. December can't come fast enough thats for sure. If I could afford it I would fly home while he's in R. School but if we are going home for Christmas, then its not possible, not unless we suddenly get approved for our dividends between now and then.
I sat outside for a bit tonight with Hunny and realized just how boring my life is. Not that I dont love having my babies, and they keep me plenty busy, but I have no me time. No time to go do anything or to spend time with just my husband.. Mainly cause he's always at work but still, the moments I do get with him are interupted by screaming kids in the middle of the night. I don't go anywhere, also again because my husband is never here and I don't feel like driving 45 min to an hour to get there. I can't wait to leave this crap hole.

Faith?

When was the last time you prayed? When I mean prayed, I mean really truely prayed. I know that we all may talk to God through out our day and have little conversations asking for help, but when was the last time you actually got down on your knees and truely prayed? I have never really been a religous person nor have I ever truely got down and prayed but last night, I did. Some of you know that I have been following a blog about Sweet Baby Kayleigh was was born at 28 weeks weighing 1 lbs. Because she was growing 6 weeks behind she was basically at the stage of a 21 weeker. Acoording to her drs she was never expected to make it through the pregnancy due to lack of amniotic fkuid let alone survive her first night in this world. Kayleigh has proven time and time again that prayer can solve anything and this little girls will and determination has helped her to come back from death more than once. She became the smallest person to have open heart surgery at only 3 lbs. She has had eye surgery, underwent a tracheostomy, countless infections that almost claimed her life as well as her most recent surgery to peform a Nissen surgery (take the stomach up to prevent asperations), a new central line, hernia repair and a g-tube proceedure. After this most recent surgery, Kayleigh was on the up and up and was recovering well until she was in so much pain they had to heavily sedate her. After a day or so they weened her off and she was fine. Only problem is, shes not waking up. They performed a test and said that she is brain dead. There are a lot of factors that could have caused this reading, barbituates which she had recieved that morning can cause a flat line. While I have neve rmet the Freemans personally, they have allowed so many to be involved Kayleighs story and life, as short as it may be and when you have communicated with someone for almost a year, you feel that they are a part of your life. The Freemans have strugled so much with the housing market crashing (they are realators), having one of their vehicles being reposessed because they took a hard hit to their income, their house in forclosure and having to pay almost a grand a month in insurance for Kayleigh. While many businesses and great people have helped them by donating money and toys at Christmas time for their other two children, they have been through a lot and for Kayleigh to pass, it just seems to not be fair. Kayleigh has seemed to brought so many people together and renewed so many people's faith, including my own in the Lord Last night while I was reading Adams post, I couldn't help but cry and feel pain. This little girl has been through so much in her short life that it just doesn't seem fair to have her come so far only to take her now. I was angry and wanted to know what type of God would do this to this family, to this poor little girl who has done nothin wrong. While I felt my faith slipping away, I remembered all that Lord has done for her and for all of us. All that he has blessed my family with and his purpose for Kayleigh on this Earth. Last night before i went to bed, I got down on my knees and prayed to God that he once again touch Kayleigh and help her overcome this one last obstical and to let her have more time with her family and the opportunity to grow old and experience all that life has to offer. After I prayed, I got up, went in and kissed Ashelynn and then grabbed my sweet baby boy. I layed in bed with him and thank God that I had them in my life and fell asleep cuddling with him. I didn't sleep very well last night because I had so much going through my mind. I realized though with everything that has gone through my head that I seem to take a lot for granted. I have these two perfect little babies, that who although the begining of their lives wasn't easy, none the less they are here with me. There are those who will never get to see their children grow up, never get to see them smile again or feel their arms wrapped around them giving them hugs as well as kisses. I thank God that He blessed me with my beautiful children. Please pray for baby Kayleigh even though you may not know her or her story very well, no parent should be without their children, especially when they have struggled to keep them in this world and fought all the odds. www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com

Bubbles and they are all mine....

I am so tired of this mundane schedule... its always the same. Wake up, feed the kids, get dressed, play with A, keep K entertained, lunch, play, dinner, bed.... Somewhere in there my husband is missing... Actually, he's been missing for the last year. Coming here was supposed to be a break from deployments and work work work work work.... There has been no break. He's had maybe 3 days off in the last 4 going on 5 months. Even during his block leave, RIGHT AFTER his son was born prematurely and in the hospital facing blood transfusions, he still had to go work to deal with all the imature idiots that stayed back here instead of going home.
He gets block leave starting May 22 thru June 7th and I would love to say that we are locking our doors, closing out blinds and turning our phones off to have some much needed quality family time and hubby wifey time when the kids go to sleep but.... thats too much of a perfect dream. We are going to Va to visit his family so that they can meet K and see him as a baby. He's the first born Grandchild on L's side and the first great grand baby on his side. I dont see why they cant come here. Granted, I know that his grandmother cant so Im not complaining about making the trip to see her, but everyone else? (I'll let Jenny slide haha shes too cool not to want to see) I'm sure once we get back it will be work work work and then off to R. School in Junly where hopefully he will graduate before his son turns one and we head to Alaska for Christmas.
K has an appt on the 24th because he is spitting up something aweful. The zantac isnt helping him anymore and he is now spitting up almost everything right after he gets done eating. When he spits up like 30 min after he eats, its not really spit up, its vomit and its chunky and mucosy and smells horrible. It also has a greenish tint to it now so Im hoping its an easy fix. At first I thought he has the same milk protien allergy that A has, but.... to start developing it 4 months after birth??? Now I don't know what to think.

Been awhile

So its been awhile since I've been here. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad and some the same.
My liver panels are still screwed up but because I am asymptomatic the reccomendation is to wait 6 months and come back for more testing and if still elevated to do an ultrasound. I go back in August for more blood work so I'm hoping that it turns out good.
I also had my 6 week post partum. Yeah I know, hes 4 months now but hey its been awhile. He said everything looks alright. My incision healed nicely. We did talk about me having more babies. Needless to say with the luck I have had the last 2 years, K is nothing short of a miracle. From the scarring on my cervix, to me having endometriosis (still not sure i spell that right) and now newly know scarring on my right ovary from the cysts I had before A, its no wonder i could never stay pregnant. He did say that my last LEEP is prolly what helped me the most in keeping my cervix closed and long for 36 weeks. He was really thinking that I was gonna go early again like I did with A because when they did the cervical u/s at 17 weeks and then rechecked me at 26 weeks my cervix was in a dangerous area but that band of scar tissue held fast until the day I had him.
Since L and I aren't entirely sure we are done trying, he reccomended that I stay on birth control for a straight 6 months to keep my regulated and to help with the endo. He told me it was important not to miss a day so we decided the patch was best for me. He said that after 6 months if we decided that yes we want to, then to stop, wait a month and after a month, start temping and charting. He wants me to wait at least 3 months after I stop the BC before we try. So I have 3 months before I can stop the BC if I want and 6 months before we can try. It kinda works out perfect cause L goes to r school in May-june and will be gone til July-August.
I figure by December we should be good if we want to start. I'm not holding my breath though cause the whole point of staying on birth control was to prevent cysts on my ovaries and to regulate me (which is what prevents the cysts so i just repeated myself i guess.) Well its helped to regulate me but dun dun dun.. I have a cyst. It started out achey and got progressively worse Friday to where I was in tears. I feel a lot better today so im guessing it burst at the height of the pain.
Im gonna call and make an appt tomorrow to get seen. Im also coming up on the time where i need to go back for another pap screening to make sure Im still in remission. He told me I could wait a year but Im not messing around. I've been dealing with this crap since A was 6 weeks old. Hearing a dr tell you that you have cancer isn't something I ever want to hear again. Also having them cut out HUGE sections of the part of your body that is what makes staying pregnant possible, yeah no thanks, I'd like to keep what little i have left.
My breastfeeding days are coming to an end sadly and I dont know how to stop the drying process. With A I never got to do it longer than 7 weeks from all the drugs I was on. Granted I never fully dried up for that reason as well and was able to at least night and comfort feed her when I stopped taking the drugs, but I have enjoyed being able to feed K. Even though I had a long bought with thrush on my nipples and mastitis as well as a nipple infection, its still been enjoyable.
I've just come to the realization that I don't know if I could deal with anymore heartache associated with TTC. All the ups and then the disappointments. The last one was a killer since it happened right after he left. That and the pain and bleeding. It was so much worse then going through actual labor. I think that one stung more because I realized that that was it for a year. I held on to hope for R&R but I had to be realilistic. K was nothing more than a miracle and while he has had and still has his issues, they are slowly resolving and he amazes me more and more everyday. I am truely thankful for what I have and that I was allowed the opportunity to be his mother.
I think back to all that I have lost and wonder what they would have been like. Would they have been as smart and amazing as this little boy is? Would they have his eyes and his smile? How different would each of their personalities be from his? While I think about all of this, in that sadness I find light in knowing that maybe a peice of all of them is in him and thats what makes him so special and smart.

yeah..

So after wasting my time in the er just for the dr to come in and go "Why did you come here? We cant help you why didnt you make an appt?" I am convinced that the hospital here is retarded. I looked at the dr and went "this is an er right? A place to come for emergencies when you cant get to a dr?" "My ass is bleeding! I hardly think that I can wait til tomorrow to be told just to go to the er to find out what is going on with me!" Well the only thing he did was draw my blood for some tests and did a rectal. He told me that the test to see if there was blood present was going to be negative. Yeah right ass, it was positive. I was pissed when he told me that he put in a referal for me and it would take 3-5 days for them to call me and make me an appt. I told him no, I wasnt leaving without knowing what was wrong with me because it wasn't a hemmerhoid that was causing my bleeding and I dont care that the lab work shows that Im not losing a lot of blood. He left the room and came back 20 min later and told me I had an appt tomorrow.
Well I went to the appt and talked to the dr. He was kinda upset that he didnt try and find out or the fact that he even let me go home with the results that he was looking at on the screen regaurding my liver. I dont know what test it was but it came back high. He did an exam to make sure that I indeed didnt have a hemmerhiod and within the first 10 sec of looking, he had found what was wrong with me. I have a fissure. Its a tear in the lining of the anal canal and it extends out. Basically I havea rip in my butthole lol. He asked me some questions and it was determined that the days that Kaeleb was in the PICU that I couldn't take me colace did a lot of harm to my system because it made my stools really hard which is what caused the tear. He put me on something different to help me so that I heal because the colace wasnt helping. So far so good! Just after one day I was able to go to the bathroom with little pain and no blood in the toliet.
He said that the tear was enough to kinda turn my insides out. So, yay no hemmerhoids for me lol. He said that the dr basicaly wasted my time in having me come in and the only good from it was following up on my liver. He had me go down to have the labs redrawn just to make sure it wasnt a fluke. He called me at 630 to tell me it was still high and that I needed to be seen within 4 weeks to have it redrawn and to find out whats going on with me. He said that since he has nothing to compare it to, he doesn't know whether that number is normal for me or not so hes not taking any chances. Who knows whats going on with me. I have my 6 week checkup next week so Im gonna ask the dr if its possible from me having been preggo that thats what is causing the funny results.

kinda personal

ok so this is really embarrassing but its really serious. I have NEVER had a problem with hemmerhiods. Not when I was pregnant with Ashe, not after and not while I was pregnant with k. But.. for some DAMN reason, I have a freaking hemmerhoid now!! Its internal and its to the point that when i poop(tmi) that i have bloody stools and I feel like im pooping out my intestines. I go to the dr on the 21st so hopefully he can tell me whether they need to do something about it. I've been using prep-h for the last couple days and im getting to the point im gonna have to use the appicator and shove it up my butt. I dread having to poop and I have been using colace to help soften my stools but its not helping me at all. I know its because of my section that Im having such a hard time with my stool being really hard. I almost thought i was gonna have to go to the er today because there was sooo much blood.
On to better things... k went to the dr today and hes 9 lbs 13 oz. My little chunky monkey. His labs were good today. Still not great but better. he is now at 28 and 9.5. All his lab work has come back for everything they tested him for and it all came back normal. They still dont know why hes anemic. She said that they can test for all the big key factors but there are some small ones that they cant test for and one of them can be my immunities on my red cells attacked his even though we are both O- and RH-. Sometimes it just happens. It will take him awhile to grow out of it. As he gets older and his body matures, he'll kick it. He still has to be on iron. She was gonna up the does but decided not to cause hes having a problem with reflux. He goes back for his two month well baby check up (yeah 2 months can you believe that shit?) in 2 weeks. She said shes not gonna draw blood unless there is a need. We also go see the cardiologist on the 26th. He still has that murmor which she is convinced is from his anemia but because he is still breathing fast she wants to cover all areas just to make sure there isnt any other underlying problem.

Finally some down time

So now that things have FINALLY settled down I figured I would update.
So Firday we went back so that he could have his CBC and bili level checked again and well, we never left. We ended up being rushed to Rapieds Women and Childrens because his hemacrit level was down so low that he needed a blood transfusion. We got there and they monitored him, redid his iv and took more blood from him. They cross typed his blood and called the blood bank. About 3 am the nurse(who I absolutely loved!!!) told me that they saw that he had an antigen on his blood and wanted to know if I had rogham and all that cause they were tryin to figure out i maybe it was from the rogham or actually on his blood.
We stayed there til Monday late afternoon. He never got the transfusion cause his levels came up slightly. The LPN for the intensivist said that even though it wasnt a significant rise, she felt better about where it was because there were no immature cells. Monday the intensivist came in and said that we could either go home and be monitored here and come back and do the transfusion if needed or we could do the transfusion that day and go home xmas eve. Wes and I decided to wait and see. I greatly questioned myself about this until I got his test results back on xmas eve when we went for a level check. his hemicrit went from 21.7 to 24!!! His reticulate count went from 14 to 12.6 which is good because it shows his bone marrow isnt having to work so hard to produce more red blood cells.
we are just waiting on all the lab results for the tests they did that had to be sent out to know whether or not hes got some disorder that causes some of his red blood cells to be mishapen and fragile which causes them to bust too eaily when they go through the vessels and capilaries. They started him on iron and polyviciol which is supposed to help. his bili level is back to normal and OMG I didnt realize how yellow he really was til he got a normal color to him.
His jaundice was caused by the anemia. When your blood cells die, it causes them to spill biliruben into the blood stream which your liver filters out. His liver couldnt keep up with the amount of bili spilling into his system.
We go back in about 2 weeks for another level check and hopefully its still good. I feel so bad for how many times hes been poked at. They have used every available vein in his body and he is all bruised up. Hes been super clingy and wanting to be with me all the time and that I dont mind lol. He gets kinda irritable when you touch his arm and legs but thats understandable.
Im happy that we were able to be home for xmas. Those 3 days of going back and forth from Alex to home were hell. Im only happy my mom was here to be with Ashelynn.