Been awhile

So its been awhile since I've been here. A lot has happened. Some good, some bad and some the same.
My liver panels are still screwed up but because I am asymptomatic the reccomendation is to wait 6 months and come back for more testing and if still elevated to do an ultrasound. I go back in August for more blood work so I'm hoping that it turns out good.
I also had my 6 week post partum. Yeah I know, hes 4 months now but hey its been awhile. He said everything looks alright. My incision healed nicely. We did talk about me having more babies. Needless to say with the luck I have had the last 2 years, K is nothing short of a miracle. From the scarring on my cervix, to me having endometriosis (still not sure i spell that right) and now newly know scarring on my right ovary from the cysts I had before A, its no wonder i could never stay pregnant. He did say that my last LEEP is prolly what helped me the most in keeping my cervix closed and long for 36 weeks. He was really thinking that I was gonna go early again like I did with A because when they did the cervical u/s at 17 weeks and then rechecked me at 26 weeks my cervix was in a dangerous area but that band of scar tissue held fast until the day I had him.
Since L and I aren't entirely sure we are done trying, he reccomended that I stay on birth control for a straight 6 months to keep my regulated and to help with the endo. He told me it was important not to miss a day so we decided the patch was best for me. He said that after 6 months if we decided that yes we want to, then to stop, wait a month and after a month, start temping and charting. He wants me to wait at least 3 months after I stop the BC before we try. So I have 3 months before I can stop the BC if I want and 6 months before we can try. It kinda works out perfect cause L goes to r school in May-june and will be gone til July-August.
I figure by December we should be good if we want to start. I'm not holding my breath though cause the whole point of staying on birth control was to prevent cysts on my ovaries and to regulate me (which is what prevents the cysts so i just repeated myself i guess.) Well its helped to regulate me but dun dun dun.. I have a cyst. It started out achey and got progressively worse Friday to where I was in tears. I feel a lot better today so im guessing it burst at the height of the pain.
Im gonna call and make an appt tomorrow to get seen. Im also coming up on the time where i need to go back for another pap screening to make sure Im still in remission. He told me I could wait a year but Im not messing around. I've been dealing with this crap since A was 6 weeks old. Hearing a dr tell you that you have cancer isn't something I ever want to hear again. Also having them cut out HUGE sections of the part of your body that is what makes staying pregnant possible, yeah no thanks, I'd like to keep what little i have left.
My breastfeeding days are coming to an end sadly and I dont know how to stop the drying process. With A I never got to do it longer than 7 weeks from all the drugs I was on. Granted I never fully dried up for that reason as well and was able to at least night and comfort feed her when I stopped taking the drugs, but I have enjoyed being able to feed K. Even though I had a long bought with thrush on my nipples and mastitis as well as a nipple infection, its still been enjoyable.
I've just come to the realization that I don't know if I could deal with anymore heartache associated with TTC. All the ups and then the disappointments. The last one was a killer since it happened right after he left. That and the pain and bleeding. It was so much worse then going through actual labor. I think that one stung more because I realized that that was it for a year. I held on to hope for R&R but I had to be realilistic. K was nothing more than a miracle and while he has had and still has his issues, they are slowly resolving and he amazes me more and more everyday. I am truely thankful for what I have and that I was allowed the opportunity to be his mother.
I think back to all that I have lost and wonder what they would have been like. Would they have been as smart and amazing as this little boy is? Would they have his eyes and his smile? How different would each of their personalities be from his? While I think about all of this, in that sadness I find light in knowing that maybe a peice of all of them is in him and thats what makes him so special and smart.