Some days are better then other

So I have my appt on Tuesday. Im kinda nervous about it because I dont think that I could handle the outcome if its the same as it has been before. I mean, I had a glim of hope with my last screening when it came out clear but having another positive result, I don't know what I would do. I told Wes that I didn't want to have anymore surgeries and that if this test came back positive and the biopsy came back low grade to moderate, that I just wanted to wait and watch it because the last surgery was hard on me and I don't want go through that again.
This whole baby thing is starting to consume me. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me because it will happen when the time is right. Well, Im struggeling with it. Last night while Wes was went to a friends to play poker, I watched that movie "15 and Pregnant" and at the end of it I started to cry. I couldn't figure out why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Ashe when I didn't want to and its so hard this time. I think that maybe its something I did. Something that I did caused me to get cancer. I caused it. I know that I shouldn't think like that because nothing I did caused me to get cancer, its just something that happens but its still hard to not blame yourself when you are in denial.
I know what all the drs have said in the past, that Im fine, Im clear to try and get pregnant and I shouldn't have any problems but I don't know. My biggest fear is that my cervix is scarred so bad that nothing is getting through. Another fear is that my cervix is so incompitant that I will have amiscarriage or another premature birth. I dont think I could handle that. Being pregnant andhaving another miscarriage or having to sit in the NICU and see my baby hooked up to all the tubes and monitors. That wa the scariest thing I have ever had to go through is seeing that and feeling so helpless.
I guess I only have to drive myself crazy with the unknown on the cervix front for 3 more days and then a week for the test result. I have a long list of questions for the dr. Im sure shes gonna love me by the end of the appt!