Umm yeah.....

So I bought a BBT yesterday and yeah, Im kinda weirded out a little bit about it. I looked and looked and looked until i found one that I THOUGHT was an oral one. Yeah right..... I had looked online cause I dont know, the thought of taking it vaginally just seemed, I dont know, creepy. (yes I know its my body, I have no problem sticking things in there.. that came out wrong you get the idea though) but its the thought of sticking THAT in there. Stupid internet and all its lies! IT LIES I TELL YOU!!! Oh well, gotta do what you gotta do right?

I dont know I might go one other place and look and if i find it i'll return it. I figure that for this month and next while in the process of moving and settling, I'll just keep track of my temps and then after that start trying. Im pretty sure I know when I ovulate, I just want to increase my odds. (I never seem to want to have sex when I am, I have to force myself) so I figure with the icrease and the time of month, I can better plan and we can get busy right before lol.

We are gonna do out packout on the 26th of march so that way we can be out of the apt by the 1 of April so we can save on a months rent. We are just gonna stay with my momma for 2 weeks. Im sure she'll drive me nuts in that time because I wont be working and she'll be all bitchy cause im sure there will be toys in her livingroom. Oh well, that woman could clean all day and then see a speck of dirt, like microscopic and complain that the house is filthy and do it all over again. Im not so stressed about the wedding anymore, just the moving part. Oh and the new car part. We are looking at the explorer limited. Fully loaded, Nav/sync system, drop down dvd, thrid row, the electric side steps that come out when you open the door. Power everything. Wes talked them down to 37000 which is like almost 10000 less then they wanted and got them to give him 3000 extra for his truck. We ca do the payments no problem, just I think we can get them cheaper so hes gonna go to them with pay 14000 for his truck and give us the vehicle at 35000. The rebates can pay the difference for his truck. If they wont do it we'll prolly tell them we'll think about it and go see what they have in Wasilla and if they dont have what we want then see if they will make another offer there and if we like it take it. Wes delt with the manager so we know we will get what they offer us. Im pretty sure wes said something and then told them he would think about it so im sure they will call with a better offer today. He wont tell me when hes gonna go buy it. He said that hes gonna suprise me with it. He also said that he gets to drive it the first day.. Umm wait a min, I thought that this was MY car? I have to wait to drive it? Well if he gets it this weekend I guess Sunday is his day hahahahahahahahaha.

I think hes all caught up in the extras but I do think that we need the nav system, (especially being somewhere new and me alone) and the dvd player will be awesome on the drive down for Ashe. I dont know, I think once we get it I'll feel better. The same with moving. I think once its in motion I'll feel better.

Uh

Do ya know that feelin you get when you are gonna start your period? That ucky, crampy, feel bloated, legs and back hurt, feelin kinda leaky like you started feeling? Well I have that and I HATE it. I wish I would just get it over with already!!! I woke up feeling sick and my stomach hurt EXTREMELY bad. Its not bad enough that I gotta be upset that im actually getting my period, but I gotta feel like shit in the process before I get it. I hate mother nature and I wish it would go away!! Ok well not go away but at least not be so horrible to me. I mean, I already gotta bleed, why cant I just do it pain free and fast??? I was standing a the counter looking into the break room telling someone I was gonna go grab food and i was like "oh need to go potty" so i grab a tampon, go in and yeah disappointed cause looks like Im gonna have this feeling for awhile :( Would be great if I were pregnant but Im not that loved.
Im feeling pretty good right now, now pain but boy when it hits, I wanna curl up in the fetal postition on the floor and stick my thumb in my mouth and lay there! Ok thats my bitch for today.

Self-Centered

I am so tired of people being self centered! Why the fuck does everything have to be about you? Grrrrrrrrr!!!! I also like how you tell someone something KNOWING that they are going to tell the person you are talking to them about and you find out about it not even 5 hours later. If you want to know what I am talking about just let me know and I will email you the info!!!! You actually might find it halarious!!!
Anyways enough about that. Well maybe not but for right now, yes! The ball was fun. A LOT of drinking lol. After the ball we went out to the bar and yeah, lets just say that I reached a whole new level of drunkenness!! I haven't drunk in so long. It was nice to be able to go out and have some fun. Dinner was awesome. I was in love with the mashed potatoes lol. Met a lot of new people, not people that Im sure I'll be friends with but people that are pretty cool. (by not being friends I mean people that I wont make a real effort to keep in contact with when I leave)
I just wanted to say congrats to Anita!! She just found out she was pregnant and I got one of the first phone calls. Granted, it stings because well yeah, we're trying, but Im still happy for her!!
hmmm what else. I only have to work today and then I have the next 2 days off. I have Fri-Sun off so yeah hahahaha lost of days off this week. I only have about 25 days left of work. I cant wait. I have been having som pretty bad nights and havin to get up at 0445 is getting alittle hard now. I dont know why but i wake up at odd hours and cant go back to sleep or I wake up and I itch for like hours!! I have also been having weird dreams!
Ok well I actually have to work now!

Love doesn't come from the heart, it comes from his pants!

So my drs appt went really good. She said everything looked good. I had minimal scarring on my cervix, there was no scarring over the opening of my cervix, my ovaries felt fine so that means my cyst is gone, she said that everything was moist down there like it was supposed to be (not sure what that ment) and that I was ovulating. She did the pap and of course I bled a whole bunch because she irritated the scar tissue that was down there. She also did an HPV test because she wanted to make sure before I got that gaurdisil (sp) shot that I didn't have it and if I did what type so that she could make sure it protected me against that strand. My last pap that I had was negative for HPV so Im not sure why she would test me again especially since my blood work came back clean. It should take a week for them to get back to me if my pap was positive for reaccuring cells and if not, just a little letter in the mail telling me Im good to go!! That means I would only need one more test in 6 months and then I get to go once a year and after 2 years of negative results I get to go every three years. Once I hit that point Im considered in remission!!! I can't freakin wait to hit that mark.
Im trying to get Wes to go in and get a SA but hes unwilling. He is in denial now that Im healthy and the dr said I should be good. She said from all my past u/s and x-rays its all perfect. I just think we haven't hit it at the right time. We only have 6 months to go until we are considered to have fertility problems. Im not worried, I'm not so stressed out about it just for the fact that I figure its out of my control. No matter how hard I wish and try, that its not gonna make it happen any faster.
Tomorrow is the ball and Im excited!! Get to get all pretty, wear a pretty dress and go out with my hubby! After words we are all going to Plat Jaxx. Im going from Glam to Hoochie that night so I'll be sure to take lots of pictures! Im just excited for an adult night out. I mean, we are going to dinner tonight but we are taking ashe with us so its not really alone time.
Today has gone by a little slow. I've cleaned a lot at work so yeah, now there is nothing to do.....
There was more that I wanted to say but I can't remember.
Oh yeah. Last night I was talkin to Ashe and she looked at me and said "Can I call my other daddy?" (meaning matt) and I told her no cause it was late there and he was prolly in bed. Then, she said, and this part killed me, "How come he doesn't call me? My daddy calls me when hes at work cause he loves me. How come my other daddy doesn't call?" This coming from a 3 almost 4 year old!!! I almost wanted to cry and I didn't know how to answer her. I just told her that he has been busy. He hasn't called her since Christmas. I didn't even think that she would remember or think about it because she has never said anything about him. Im at a loss for words.

Sometimes being lost and confused is the right way to be

I have been going to be SUPER early lately. Wed night I went to bed at 830, Thursday was the same. Friday I layed down with Wes before he left to play poker and I was asleep by 8. Saturday the same thing. I think I was gone by 830. Last night I fell asleep at 730!!! I woke up a few times but that was Wes waking me up. He woke me up at 10 to give me kisses and tell me good night and to get me to roll over so he could snuggle with me. I don't know what the hell my problem is. I want to try and stay up a little later tonight since I don't have work tomorrow and my drs appt isnt until 11 but I dont know if I can do it.

After my drs appt Im gonna go and have lunch with Anita since she works in the hospital and we are gonna make plans to meet up before the Home Coming concert so that we can sit together since its all general admission. Im kinda excited for some reason about it. I mean I know its only Billy Raye Cyrus and Bowling for Soup and some other people but I guess its because its something that Wes and I get to do together and its some adult time!! Not that I dont love my baby girl because I do and I miss her terribly when she sin't with me, Im just happy to be able to do something. She was with my mom Saturday night and all of Sunday and we wet shopping alone without her yesterday and it was nice, but Saturday I was alone because Wes had courtesy patrol so yeah, I was alone,

Friday is the ball and I found out that since he had staff duty during the week and his weekend duty was considered the courtesy patrol that he wont have staff duty on the 16 cause that would give him 3 details and someon else one. Im happy. We got a hotel room at the Sheraton for the night. That way we can get ready there and then change and grab a cab with everyone after the ball to go out and that way its cheaper to go back to the hotel cause we all only have to take one cab. Im so happy that hes home and we can do all this stuff together now instead of me doing it alone.
Nice I have a UTI! Gotta love havin bad kidneys!

Some days are better then other

So I have my appt on Tuesday. Im kinda nervous about it because I dont think that I could handle the outcome if its the same as it has been before. I mean, I had a glim of hope with my last screening when it came out clear but having another positive result, I don't know what I would do. I told Wes that I didn't want to have anymore surgeries and that if this test came back positive and the biopsy came back low grade to moderate, that I just wanted to wait and watch it because the last surgery was hard on me and I don't want go through that again.
This whole baby thing is starting to consume me. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me because it will happen when the time is right. Well, Im struggeling with it. Last night while Wes was went to a friends to play poker, I watched that movie "15 and Pregnant" and at the end of it I started to cry. I couldn't figure out why it was so easy for me to get pregnant with Ashe when I didn't want to and its so hard this time. I think that maybe its something I did. Something that I did caused me to get cancer. I caused it. I know that I shouldn't think like that because nothing I did caused me to get cancer, its just something that happens but its still hard to not blame yourself when you are in denial.
I know what all the drs have said in the past, that Im fine, Im clear to try and get pregnant and I shouldn't have any problems but I don't know. My biggest fear is that my cervix is scarred so bad that nothing is getting through. Another fear is that my cervix is so incompitant that I will have amiscarriage or another premature birth. I dont think I could handle that. Being pregnant andhaving another miscarriage or having to sit in the NICU and see my baby hooked up to all the tubes and monitors. That wa the scariest thing I have ever had to go through is seeing that and feeling so helpless.
I guess I only have to drive myself crazy with the unknown on the cervix front for 3 more days and then a week for the test result. I have a long list of questions for the dr. Im sure shes gonna love me by the end of the appt!