Going in a new direction...

So I haven't done much with this thing lately and it's really not about anything. I've decided though that I'm going to stick to a theme. Lately I have had all these mixed emotions. Emotions that I'm not sure what to do with. I have so many friends that have and are going through what I will once again embark on in the next year so I know that they know better than anyone the feelings that I have. No one really ever reads this blog mainly because I have never publicized it but I've decided that I am going to start. People who have never been in this situation need to know the feeling that we as military spouses experience. Yes, people are sympathetic, kind and offer their support, but they do so blindly and sometimes, their good intentions cause more heartache than help.
I like many others, try to deny what it is my husband does. I live in this little denial bubble and pretend like he will never be far from me, we will never be worlds apart, he won't be in a dangerous place where at any moment, his life can be taken and never return to us. I live in denial that he will miss so much of our children's lives, that he will be here for everything and that they won't ever know what it;s like to be without him. I live in this denial and it kills me every day when he talks about the reality that he is going to deploy next year and where he is going to go most likely is very dangerous. It makes him angry that I don't want to talk about it. It makes him angry that I don't beg him to get out and find a job that keeps him home but the truth of it is, I can't seem to break out of my denial to just scream at the top of my lungs that I would rather be dirt poor, living in a one room shack with nothing as long as I have him, then continue to have stability. I can't say this because I fear that if I say it out loud, that the world will come crashing down and I will have to face the harsh truth.
I want to lock myself in a room and cry but I can't. I have to be strong. I have to be the one that holds it all together. Hold it together for my children and my husband. I have to put on this brave face and pretend that life is peachy. I have to be the shoulder for him to lean on and to spill his fears too all while keeping my own in. Those phone calls that will come few and far between, I will have to hold back my tears and sound upbeat to make him worry less and listen to him when he tells me about a good buddy that got hurt or even worse, died. I won't have anyone to talk to about my horrible dream I had about him dying because the one person I go to when I have bad dreams will be the same person that is on the other end of the phone in a place where one wrong mistake and that dream could come true.
He's been talking about it lately and all I want to do is run and hide. I want to hide under the covers like little children do when they are scared of the monster under the bed. I zone out and all I hear is static. The same static noise you get from your TV when its on the wrong channel or the cable box isn't turned on. I fight back tears because I don't want to be perceived as weak. I don't want to think of the fear of the unimaginable happening. I don't fear for myself losing the one person I love the most in this world and being left on my own, but I fear for my children who will grow up without their father, never truly knowing how great of a man he is/was. I fear Ashelynn will forget all that he has taught her, I fear Kaeleb will forget who he is and not remember him at all and I fear that Gaven will grow up never really having known him, never getting to experience what the other two have.
I suppose I have just been spoiled these last going on three years of having him home with me, out of harms way. I suppose it's been these last few years that have cause my bubble of denial to be as thick and big as it is. I'm lost in a sea of mixed emotions. I'm falling and all I see is blackness. Falling, falling falling,darkness all around and no bottom in sight.

Ups and Downs

I'm going to take this time to talk about pregnancy and ALL the wonderful things that you were never told could happen. When we are younger and we dream about what it will be like to be pregnant and have children of our own, we imagine this time to be perfect, no complications. We think about how it is portrayed in movies. The morning sickness in the beginning, then the perfect mood once that goes away, the BEAUTIFUL glow you have, the perfectly round belly, shopping for all the wonderful baby things, feeling our baby move and last but not least, this perfect delivery where we instantly pop out the baby and are all happy and shiny and everything goes smoothly.

Now, lets snap back to reality. The horrible morning sickness that plagues some women their entire pregnancy, the bleeding, the placental tears, the low amniotic fluid, the HORRIBLE birth abnormalities that can occur and last but not least, your cervix..... I bring this up last because well, that is what I am going to focus on today.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant. I love knowing that I alone am growing and protecting this precious little life within myself. I was blessed with not having morning sickness, minus the 3 weeks we spent in HORRIBLE military lodging waiting for our house when I was pregnant with K in which the mold and mildew made me so sick, but, I can't count that as morning sickness. I had many opportunity to get to see my babies on u/s, which while although that was because of problems I was having, none the less, we will not take away from seeing this little miracle.

With all of that aside, none of my pregnancies were easy, this one to be included. With A, I bled from about 5-20 weeks from a subchorionic hemorrhage, had 4 perfect weeks of no complications and then BAM at 25 weeks ended up with a horrible bacterial infection in which started a LONG cycle of pre-term labor and horrible contractions. Finally, at 33 weeks, my body decided it was time and my water broke and my precious little girl was born weighing 4 lbs 4 oz and 17 inch long. Thankfully, only needing a week in the NICU before coming home but still plagued by the normal prematurity issues.

Moving on to K, we tried so hard to get him and when it happened, all I could think about was how scared I was. Scared because of all the problems I had before. Other then being really sick from all the mold and mildew I was subjected to thanks to the Army, my pregnancy was pretty uneventful up until 14 weeks. I started experiencing HORRIBLE, EXCRUCIATING pelvic and pubic bone discomfort. It was so bad that I could barely walk and NOTHING helped at all. Other than the pain, up until 23 weeks, everything was perfect. At 23 weeks, I started with the horrendous back pain, menstrual like cramping and tell tale signs that I would have a long road ahead of me until delivery. It seemed like every few weeks I was strapped to the monitors in labor and delivery and being injected with drugs to stop my labor and keep my little man in as long as possible. 30 weeks I started leaking water which was just played off as me peeing myself. Then at about 34 weeks and 5 days I ended up in L&D in labor. After being given drugs to stop my labor, which in turn made the contractions so much worse and sent me in to a full blown asthma attack, it was determined that they could over hydrate me to lessen the contractions although they wouldn't stop. So why let me suffer? Because the Dr wanted to go home. It was the day after Thanksgiving and he had missed dinner with his family to deliver a baby. Nice right?? Leave me suffer so you can go home. So the next day, I tried to relax and when that didn't happen, I just went about my business only to have my water break that night and have to be delivered anyways at 35 weeks.

Moving forward to this pregnancy. SURPRISE!! Yeah, thats definitely what this one was. Sure we had been trying but gave up the quest due to some other life matters that came up and made having another baby just a huge obstacle. Well things seemed ok up until 9 weeks when I was throwing up yellow bile for no apparent reason. Turns out my stomach was almost turned upside down and squished but not to worry I would be ok. Found out I had two fibroids at the bottom of my uterus. Ok, well that is common from what I have found in pregnant women. Then, the horrid hip and pubic pain started at just 10 weeks. So bad infact that doing anything is painful. I never have days that are pain free. A good day involves me being able to do 2 loads of laundry and the dishes before I am wiped out. No biggie, I got it. Then, I go for the illustrious cervical u/s to measure the length of it. Turns out its short, at only 2 cm. Normal is 3-5 cm. At 1.5-2 cm, one should be on strict bed rest and monitored every week for cervical change and possibly a cerclaug. I opted to wait on the cerclaug because of the risk of infection and what not. But this a-hole dr has me walking around like nothing is wrong wtih me and monitoring me every 2 weeks!! Umm, anyone else see a problem here?

Needless to say I am requesting a referral off post to see a MFS. I don't care if I have to drive 2 hours to get to the Dr, I just feel safer this way with my life and the life of my unborn child!!

wonder..

I would love to say that things have gotten better but they haven't. I have taken a step forward in declaring my independence and regaining some of my past self, I started working. Its not a full time job, just 2 nights a week. I'm a waitress at a bar and I have to say I really like it. Being around other people is good for me. It reminds me of who I used to be, that bright shiny girl.

After a few heart to hearts, it seemed as though things were on the up and up. I guess you have to go backwards to go forward right? It just seems that we take 1 step forward and 3 steps backward. I feel as it is all me. I never say the right thing, never do the right thing, nothing is ever good enough. Its not enough that I run all the errands, clean up the house, do the laundry, the dishes, the cooking and take care of the kids as well as work on my degree and now work. Granted I don't have a job that will supply us with enough money to pay all the bills but I do make enough that we have an extra $400 plus room a month in money. All the sweet little things I do in between, the cards, letters, little goofy things, none of this seems enough. He keeps telling me that I don't love him enough, I'm not that same girl. That girl that was all about him, that girl who would cling to him and do everything I could to keep him from leaving the house. He's right, I'm not that same girl. I've grown up, I've matured and so has our relationship. We have 2 kids, one who is at an age where she understands everything we say and everything we do. We have a 1 year old who by far, is definitely a handful and very exhausting. I wouldn't trade it for anything though.

I never say anything in our arguments. This I know and I recognize this. I can't correct this or change this when I feel that everything I say is ridiculous and uncalled for because every time I open my mouth, those are the words that you interrupt me with. I'm lost, I am always at fault and always wrong. I never follow through and in your eyes, I am worthless. You tell me that you love me but, why, if I am your wife, do you treat me this way? Shouldn't I be dealt with with love and compassion? Shouldn't I be treated as an equal and don't I have the right to say something without feeling as though its always the wrong thing?

You have your faults as well but far be it from me to point them out. Even if I did, I'm not sure that you would listen. You are hard headed and stubborn, set in your ways but even when your stubbornness and hard headedness, I love you. These are what I love about you. In fact, this is what I love most. To me it signals determination. I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes I feel that parting ways would be best but then I think about all the things we have been through together. All the heartache, sorrow, disappointment. All the good times, the joyous times, bringing life into this world and I realize that walking away would mean failure. If we had walked away during all the other bad times in our relationship, we wouldn't have what we have today. I don't want to walk away from the person that I love most in this world. I can't, I won't.

onward and upward right?

Its been so long since I have been here. I have been working on verbally expressing how I feel with no remorse about how it comes out, so far so good I think. I've also decided to keep some family aspects private for awhile. Just know that all is well and we are all healthy and doing well.

With no one around to talk to and get my feelings out, I have decided to return to you my old friend. No rest for the wicked right? I'm all out of sorts lately. It seems as of late, everything that I want doesn't matter. He has the deciding factor in it all. Only his opinion and what he wants stands and it drives me crazy. I want another baby, fine, he was on board, we were trying all was good. I went home and I SWEAR to gosh he had this conversation with himself but thinks he had it with me. When I got home we were sitting on the couch and I mentioned we only have a short time to keep trying.. after that, all HELL broke loose. He was yelling that we had this conversation and that we were NOT going to try anymore. Umm last thing baby related I heard from you was when I was home and that was "Don't drink until you get your period but I'm hoping that you dont!" Yea thats really having a conversation with me,
I got over it, whatever, I understand the reasons for holding off, I'm totally ok with it. BUT I still have this HORRIBLY STRONG maternal need to have a baby. Its not just a needing or wanting. It's hard to explain and most wouldn't understand except for those who live the life I live everyday. I LOVE knowing that I have a peice of him. I love knowing that even when he's not here and is far away, I still have him here with me. Heaven forbid that one day when he is again deployed something happen to him, I want AS MUCH OF HIM WITH ME AS I POSSIBLY CAN!! I NEED to HAVE that. It eats me up inside to know that he doesn't care when I say this. He thinks that I'm just making stuff up and that I will say anything to get my way. I feel like my thoughts and opinions mean nothing to him and they are stupid.
Where do I go from this point?
Everything is an argument. He is in a different place then he used to be. He's not the same man. He's some place that I can not reach him or help him. He knows this, infact, he is fully aware of it and has finally admitted this after almost a year and a half of me saying it. I don't know at which point he hit his rock bottom to realize this but it happened. I don't know what to say to him or how to help him but this doesn't stop me from trying and reaching out to him. I love this man to much to let this come between us. I give EVERYTHING I can to him but some how it never seems enough and he doesn't see that I do. Most would walk away and let him be in his own and let him figure it out himself, but I am not most. I love this man soooo much that I am willing to go to where he is when needed to help but being fully aware of when I need to leave and put my head back above the water.
While I will do everything that I can for him, I realize that he has a disease, a disease that I know all too well about. I know that he has to figure it out for himself and can only get better by asking for help. I also know that he is two strong willed to ask for help... or is that to stubborn? At what point do I have to walk away though? I have yet to figure this out.
I feel like I am a second rate citizen to him these days. I am some immagrant who needs to conform, who has no rights and no voice. I feel as though I am no longer his equal, no longer do I feel he thinks of me as his wife. I feel as though I am the maid, the woman who cleans his clothes, picks up the house, makes him food and cares for his children. I feel he only looks at me as his wife, his equal when he wants something from me. I feel used, worn and unappreciated.
I know he loves me, this I don't doubt. I know that he would bend over backwards for me, walk to the edge of the earth and back for me......occassionally.... Sometimes I catch a glimps of the man I fell in love with, the man that stole my heart and the man that I can't live without. Sometimes I think I see him but then I wonder if its really that man or some imposter who is only decieving me. Someone thats not really there but pretends to be to trick me into believing he's still there.
The ones that I HATE for making him this way, the career that he picked before we even knew one another existed, I blame for taking this man away from me and making it impossible for his to ask for help. They did this to him, offer him these resources for help but slap conequences on him for doing so. This thing that I HATE so much, I also know is something that no matter how much we want to get away from, the thing we talk about leaving and moving on from, is the thing that will be in our lives forever. We will never be able to get away from it, no matter how much we say we are and threaten to.
I no longer recognize myself. I am a shell of the person I used to be. No longer fun and energentic. No long the person who was so full of life and so confident. I have been broken down with no way to rebuild. Never again will I be that person no matter how much I want to, its just not in me. There is no energy to. I have accepted this, come to terms with it and said my goodbyes. I sent my condolences a long time ago and my well wishes.
Where do I go from here?