Going in a new direction...

So I haven't done much with this thing lately and it's really not about anything. I've decided though that I'm going to stick to a theme. Lately I have had all these mixed emotions. Emotions that I'm not sure what to do with. I have so many friends that have and are going through what I will once again embark on in the next year so I know that they know better than anyone the feelings that I have. No one really ever reads this blog mainly because I have never publicized it but I've decided that I am going to start. People who have never been in this situation need to know the feeling that we as military spouses experience. Yes, people are sympathetic, kind and offer their support, but they do so blindly and sometimes, their good intentions cause more heartache than help.
I like many others, try to deny what it is my husband does. I live in this little denial bubble and pretend like he will never be far from me, we will never be worlds apart, he won't be in a dangerous place where at any moment, his life can be taken and never return to us. I live in denial that he will miss so much of our children's lives, that he will be here for everything and that they won't ever know what it;s like to be without him. I live in this denial and it kills me every day when he talks about the reality that he is going to deploy next year and where he is going to go most likely is very dangerous. It makes him angry that I don't want to talk about it. It makes him angry that I don't beg him to get out and find a job that keeps him home but the truth of it is, I can't seem to break out of my denial to just scream at the top of my lungs that I would rather be dirt poor, living in a one room shack with nothing as long as I have him, then continue to have stability. I can't say this because I fear that if I say it out loud, that the world will come crashing down and I will have to face the harsh truth.
I want to lock myself in a room and cry but I can't. I have to be strong. I have to be the one that holds it all together. Hold it together for my children and my husband. I have to put on this brave face and pretend that life is peachy. I have to be the shoulder for him to lean on and to spill his fears too all while keeping my own in. Those phone calls that will come few and far between, I will have to hold back my tears and sound upbeat to make him worry less and listen to him when he tells me about a good buddy that got hurt or even worse, died. I won't have anyone to talk to about my horrible dream I had about him dying because the one person I go to when I have bad dreams will be the same person that is on the other end of the phone in a place where one wrong mistake and that dream could come true.
He's been talking about it lately and all I want to do is run and hide. I want to hide under the covers like little children do when they are scared of the monster under the bed. I zone out and all I hear is static. The same static noise you get from your TV when its on the wrong channel or the cable box isn't turned on. I fight back tears because I don't want to be perceived as weak. I don't want to think of the fear of the unimaginable happening. I don't fear for myself losing the one person I love the most in this world and being left on my own, but I fear for my children who will grow up without their father, never truly knowing how great of a man he is/was. I fear Ashelynn will forget all that he has taught her, I fear Kaeleb will forget who he is and not remember him at all and I fear that Gaven will grow up never really having known him, never getting to experience what the other two have.
I suppose I have just been spoiled these last going on three years of having him home with me, out of harms way. I suppose it's been these last few years that have cause my bubble of denial to be as thick and big as it is. I'm lost in a sea of mixed emotions. I'm falling and all I see is blackness. Falling, falling falling,darkness all around and no bottom in sight.