One day, one at a time.

Today is a bad day. I am beside myself and I miss him so much. I don't know what to do with my time. It's hard not being able to pick up the phone and call and text him. It's hard not to b able to drive over and place a card in the truck to let him know I am thinking about him... It's hard. It's hard. It's hard.
One day at a time, one at a time. Thats what I keep telling myself to get through the days. 1 month down, 9 more (hopefully) to go. It's hard not having my best friend there with me when I go to bed or when I wake up. It's hard not having him there to share all the exciting moments with like G taking his first steps or taking more and more every time he tries to walk. It's hard to not be excited when I tell him these things because my excitement of being here to see it is painful to him because he is missing that. It makes him feel guilty about not being here although he has no control over it. It's hard...
For one night though, I was able to be distracted and hang out with some amazing ladies. Need to do that more often. I had forgotten what it was like to laugh and relax and hang out. Made me forget the sting and the pain of him being gone.

They come and go but they are all the same.

I haven't allowed myself to cry, and when I mean cry, I mean really cry. I cried the day he left and that was about it. Well that was it until the other night when I was watching Marley and Me. I don't know what it was, I have never cried at the end of that movie no matter how many times I have seen it, but the other night was different. I started balling like a baby as he was sitting in the vets office talking to him before the vet put him to sleep. Next thing I knew I had tears streaming down my face and all I could think about was how much I missed my husband, only took about 2 weeks for me to have an emotional meltdown and thank God I was at home in bed and the kids were sleeping when I did.
I think the hardest part of all of this has been the lack of communication. Yea last deployment we were about 2 months at a time for the first 6 months between 2 minute phone calls but at least I was able to hear his voice the day he left when he called me from New York, he called me from Ireland, and then again 2 times from Kuwait. Having heard his voice and knowing that he was safe was the only thing that mattered, that first initial contact. The few Facebook messages that we have sent back and forth have helped but not as much as hearing his voice will. After I have at least one phone call and hear him and know that he is alright, I can relax and then the time between phone calls won't seem so bad.
The kids miss him like crazy too. K is having the most trouble. Waking up crying at night wanting to talk to Daddy, wanting to sleep with me, something he hasn't wanted to do since he was about 9 months old and ALWAYS asking to call Daddy. A is alright for the most part, she has her moments where all she does for hours is talk about how much she misses Daddy. And little man G, well.... he knows something is different, he knows daddy isn't around but he's still to young to know whats going on. These kids keep me going and keep me busy, its just the night time that is so lonely, but then again, isn't that how it works? Your mind isn't busy focusing on anything else other than how much you miss him?

Been awhile...

It's been awhile since I have been on here. Life has taken us on many adventures lately. We moved in June back to Alaska and went on a roller coaster ride of buying our first house! It has definitely been trying and it was not a pleasant experience. Lets just say I learned a whole lot for next time! The kids have all grown so much! Miss A is now 7 and in second grade! I can't believe how much time has passed! It seems like just yesterday she was one, sitting next to me on the couch eating cheerios with me and watching Franklin! Mr. K just turned 3 and is a very head strong! He is becoming more of a little man every day! G is now a year old and as sweet as pie! He talks up a storm and amazes me more and more with the words and sentences that he says!
Our move back also sent us into another great adventure of a year long deployment. Last week we had to say good bye and rely on computers and he crappy phone service to keep in contact. It has been so hard on A and K! Its been harder on K just because he isn't old enough to understand. He gets upset when I tell him that we can't go see daddy.

No clue

Does anyone even read this thing? I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to send words out in to cyber space. Oh well, I guess it's just a great release. I need a purpose; I need something to occupy myself. Yes, the kids and their never ending mounting health issues seem to keep me running back and forth to the Dr.'s and not to mention all my issues that seem to have arisen since Gaven's birth, but, yea. My poor baby boy, I'm not sure what to do about him anymore. I feel like crying because I know he is in pain. If he's not crying from constantly spitting up, he is crying because of the pain of the reflux. Our Dr.'s appt yesterday was a complete waste resulting in giving us medicine that our original Dr. didn't want him to have because A.) it won't help him, it will only make him worse and B.) it will give him horrible stomach pain (which yes he DOES so nicely have now) and it will make the acid rise and just sit in his throat rather than coming out. Poor boy cried himself to sleep in my arms and I felt so helpless.
So I finally admitted to myself, and my husband how incredibly scared I am about him deploying again. One can only get lucky so many times, this I know, and believe me, he doesn't EVER let me forget about it. He always gets on me because I never help him find a way to get out of the Army. (Like me busting my butt in school to try and get my AAS and my BA in no amount of time isn't helping) and he always tells me that I need to come up with ideas for jobs. Anyone that knows my husband knows that he CAN NOT stand civilian people. (Some of their ways of thinking) and he doesn't want to have to deal with people or the public I should say. I came up with some jobs but while they are good jobs, we have to make sure they have good insurance which... at least one of them doesn't. I still have some digging around to do with the other job but that shouldn't be too hard because I know a lot of people with that work with that company :)
Anyways, back to this deploying thing. I haven't figured out which is worse, dying and leaving your spouse behind, or having to live without your spouse. Either way, I don't want to find out. I can handle it, this I know. It would be rough but, I have to. I fear for my kids. I fear that my daughter and son will forget and the baby will miss out. I fear that they will never get to know how great of a person he is. I love him so much and I have so many fucked up dreams. Who should have to live like this? Who should have to live a life where you are afraid of your front door and people coming to it? Who the hell should have to have their world revolve around a phone and computer and 3 line letters and emails? I get so angry when I think about it. I feel resentful towards my husband for putting me in this situation although I joined in this world. He was in this world when I met him and I entered full knowing. I hate myself for this but when I think of the alternative, a life without my husband, never having known him and not having the amazing children that I have, I couldn't and wouldn't.
How can something that is still 11 months away consume my life? I'm afraid to be left alone in quiet that my thoughts will consume me and drive me crazy. Even now, I'm not making sense and this is making no sense and getting upset. That's all that I have.....

Going in a new direction...

So I haven't done much with this thing lately and it's really not about anything. I've decided though that I'm going to stick to a theme. Lately I have had all these mixed emotions. Emotions that I'm not sure what to do with. I have so many friends that have and are going through what I will once again embark on in the next year so I know that they know better than anyone the feelings that I have. No one really ever reads this blog mainly because I have never publicized it but I've decided that I am going to start. People who have never been in this situation need to know the feeling that we as military spouses experience. Yes, people are sympathetic, kind and offer their support, but they do so blindly and sometimes, their good intentions cause more heartache than help.
I like many others, try to deny what it is my husband does. I live in this little denial bubble and pretend like he will never be far from me, we will never be worlds apart, he won't be in a dangerous place where at any moment, his life can be taken and never return to us. I live in denial that he will miss so much of our children's lives, that he will be here for everything and that they won't ever know what it;s like to be without him. I live in this denial and it kills me every day when he talks about the reality that he is going to deploy next year and where he is going to go most likely is very dangerous. It makes him angry that I don't want to talk about it. It makes him angry that I don't beg him to get out and find a job that keeps him home but the truth of it is, I can't seem to break out of my denial to just scream at the top of my lungs that I would rather be dirt poor, living in a one room shack with nothing as long as I have him, then continue to have stability. I can't say this because I fear that if I say it out loud, that the world will come crashing down and I will have to face the harsh truth.
I want to lock myself in a room and cry but I can't. I have to be strong. I have to be the one that holds it all together. Hold it together for my children and my husband. I have to put on this brave face and pretend that life is peachy. I have to be the shoulder for him to lean on and to spill his fears too all while keeping my own in. Those phone calls that will come few and far between, I will have to hold back my tears and sound upbeat to make him worry less and listen to him when he tells me about a good buddy that got hurt or even worse, died. I won't have anyone to talk to about my horrible dream I had about him dying because the one person I go to when I have bad dreams will be the same person that is on the other end of the phone in a place where one wrong mistake and that dream could come true.
He's been talking about it lately and all I want to do is run and hide. I want to hide under the covers like little children do when they are scared of the monster under the bed. I zone out and all I hear is static. The same static noise you get from your TV when its on the wrong channel or the cable box isn't turned on. I fight back tears because I don't want to be perceived as weak. I don't want to think of the fear of the unimaginable happening. I don't fear for myself losing the one person I love the most in this world and being left on my own, but I fear for my children who will grow up without their father, never truly knowing how great of a man he is/was. I fear Ashelynn will forget all that he has taught her, I fear Kaeleb will forget who he is and not remember him at all and I fear that Gaven will grow up never really having known him, never getting to experience what the other two have.
I suppose I have just been spoiled these last going on three years of having him home with me, out of harms way. I suppose it's been these last few years that have cause my bubble of denial to be as thick and big as it is. I'm lost in a sea of mixed emotions. I'm falling and all I see is blackness. Falling, falling falling,darkness all around and no bottom in sight.

Ups and Downs

I'm going to take this time to talk about pregnancy and ALL the wonderful things that you were never told could happen. When we are younger and we dream about what it will be like to be pregnant and have children of our own, we imagine this time to be perfect, no complications. We think about how it is portrayed in movies. The morning sickness in the beginning, then the perfect mood once that goes away, the BEAUTIFUL glow you have, the perfectly round belly, shopping for all the wonderful baby things, feeling our baby move and last but not least, this perfect delivery where we instantly pop out the baby and are all happy and shiny and everything goes smoothly.

Now, lets snap back to reality. The horrible morning sickness that plagues some women their entire pregnancy, the bleeding, the placental tears, the low amniotic fluid, the HORRIBLE birth abnormalities that can occur and last but not least, your cervix..... I bring this up last because well, that is what I am going to focus on today.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE being pregnant. I love knowing that I alone am growing and protecting this precious little life within myself. I was blessed with not having morning sickness, minus the 3 weeks we spent in HORRIBLE military lodging waiting for our house when I was pregnant with K in which the mold and mildew made me so sick, but, I can't count that as morning sickness. I had many opportunity to get to see my babies on u/s, which while although that was because of problems I was having, none the less, we will not take away from seeing this little miracle.

With all of that aside, none of my pregnancies were easy, this one to be included. With A, I bled from about 5-20 weeks from a subchorionic hemorrhage, had 4 perfect weeks of no complications and then BAM at 25 weeks ended up with a horrible bacterial infection in which started a LONG cycle of pre-term labor and horrible contractions. Finally, at 33 weeks, my body decided it was time and my water broke and my precious little girl was born weighing 4 lbs 4 oz and 17 inch long. Thankfully, only needing a week in the NICU before coming home but still plagued by the normal prematurity issues.

Moving on to K, we tried so hard to get him and when it happened, all I could think about was how scared I was. Scared because of all the problems I had before. Other then being really sick from all the mold and mildew I was subjected to thanks to the Army, my pregnancy was pretty uneventful up until 14 weeks. I started experiencing HORRIBLE, EXCRUCIATING pelvic and pubic bone discomfort. It was so bad that I could barely walk and NOTHING helped at all. Other than the pain, up until 23 weeks, everything was perfect. At 23 weeks, I started with the horrendous back pain, menstrual like cramping and tell tale signs that I would have a long road ahead of me until delivery. It seemed like every few weeks I was strapped to the monitors in labor and delivery and being injected with drugs to stop my labor and keep my little man in as long as possible. 30 weeks I started leaking water which was just played off as me peeing myself. Then at about 34 weeks and 5 days I ended up in L&D in labor. After being given drugs to stop my labor, which in turn made the contractions so much worse and sent me in to a full blown asthma attack, it was determined that they could over hydrate me to lessen the contractions although they wouldn't stop. So why let me suffer? Because the Dr wanted to go home. It was the day after Thanksgiving and he had missed dinner with his family to deliver a baby. Nice right?? Leave me suffer so you can go home. So the next day, I tried to relax and when that didn't happen, I just went about my business only to have my water break that night and have to be delivered anyways at 35 weeks.

Moving forward to this pregnancy. SURPRISE!! Yeah, thats definitely what this one was. Sure we had been trying but gave up the quest due to some other life matters that came up and made having another baby just a huge obstacle. Well things seemed ok up until 9 weeks when I was throwing up yellow bile for no apparent reason. Turns out my stomach was almost turned upside down and squished but not to worry I would be ok. Found out I had two fibroids at the bottom of my uterus. Ok, well that is common from what I have found in pregnant women. Then, the horrid hip and pubic pain started at just 10 weeks. So bad infact that doing anything is painful. I never have days that are pain free. A good day involves me being able to do 2 loads of laundry and the dishes before I am wiped out. No biggie, I got it. Then, I go for the illustrious cervical u/s to measure the length of it. Turns out its short, at only 2 cm. Normal is 3-5 cm. At 1.5-2 cm, one should be on strict bed rest and monitored every week for cervical change and possibly a cerclaug. I opted to wait on the cerclaug because of the risk of infection and what not. But this a-hole dr has me walking around like nothing is wrong wtih me and monitoring me every 2 weeks!! Umm, anyone else see a problem here?

Needless to say I am requesting a referral off post to see a MFS. I don't care if I have to drive 2 hours to get to the Dr, I just feel safer this way with my life and the life of my unborn child!!

wonder..

I would love to say that things have gotten better but they haven't. I have taken a step forward in declaring my independence and regaining some of my past self, I started working. Its not a full time job, just 2 nights a week. I'm a waitress at a bar and I have to say I really like it. Being around other people is good for me. It reminds me of who I used to be, that bright shiny girl.

After a few heart to hearts, it seemed as though things were on the up and up. I guess you have to go backwards to go forward right? It just seems that we take 1 step forward and 3 steps backward. I feel as it is all me. I never say the right thing, never do the right thing, nothing is ever good enough. Its not enough that I run all the errands, clean up the house, do the laundry, the dishes, the cooking and take care of the kids as well as work on my degree and now work. Granted I don't have a job that will supply us with enough money to pay all the bills but I do make enough that we have an extra $400 plus room a month in money. All the sweet little things I do in between, the cards, letters, little goofy things, none of this seems enough. He keeps telling me that I don't love him enough, I'm not that same girl. That girl that was all about him, that girl who would cling to him and do everything I could to keep him from leaving the house. He's right, I'm not that same girl. I've grown up, I've matured and so has our relationship. We have 2 kids, one who is at an age where she understands everything we say and everything we do. We have a 1 year old who by far, is definitely a handful and very exhausting. I wouldn't trade it for anything though.

I never say anything in our arguments. This I know and I recognize this. I can't correct this or change this when I feel that everything I say is ridiculous and uncalled for because every time I open my mouth, those are the words that you interrupt me with. I'm lost, I am always at fault and always wrong. I never follow through and in your eyes, I am worthless. You tell me that you love me but, why, if I am your wife, do you treat me this way? Shouldn't I be dealt with with love and compassion? Shouldn't I be treated as an equal and don't I have the right to say something without feeling as though its always the wrong thing?

You have your faults as well but far be it from me to point them out. Even if I did, I'm not sure that you would listen. You are hard headed and stubborn, set in your ways but even when your stubbornness and hard headedness, I love you. These are what I love about you. In fact, this is what I love most. To me it signals determination. I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes I feel that parting ways would be best but then I think about all the things we have been through together. All the heartache, sorrow, disappointment. All the good times, the joyous times, bringing life into this world and I realize that walking away would mean failure. If we had walked away during all the other bad times in our relationship, we wouldn't have what we have today. I don't want to walk away from the person that I love most in this world. I can't, I won't.