No clue

Does anyone even read this thing? I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to send words out in to cyber space. Oh well, I guess it's just a great release. I need a purpose; I need something to occupy myself. Yes, the kids and their never ending mounting health issues seem to keep me running back and forth to the Dr.'s and not to mention all my issues that seem to have arisen since Gaven's birth, but, yea. My poor baby boy, I'm not sure what to do about him anymore. I feel like crying because I know he is in pain. If he's not crying from constantly spitting up, he is crying because of the pain of the reflux. Our Dr.'s appt yesterday was a complete waste resulting in giving us medicine that our original Dr. didn't want him to have because A.) it won't help him, it will only make him worse and B.) it will give him horrible stomach pain (which yes he DOES so nicely have now) and it will make the acid rise and just sit in his throat rather than coming out. Poor boy cried himself to sleep in my arms and I felt so helpless.
So I finally admitted to myself, and my husband how incredibly scared I am about him deploying again. One can only get lucky so many times, this I know, and believe me, he doesn't EVER let me forget about it. He always gets on me because I never help him find a way to get out of the Army. (Like me busting my butt in school to try and get my AAS and my BA in no amount of time isn't helping) and he always tells me that I need to come up with ideas for jobs. Anyone that knows my husband knows that he CAN NOT stand civilian people. (Some of their ways of thinking) and he doesn't want to have to deal with people or the public I should say. I came up with some jobs but while they are good jobs, we have to make sure they have good insurance which... at least one of them doesn't. I still have some digging around to do with the other job but that shouldn't be too hard because I know a lot of people with that work with that company :)
Anyways, back to this deploying thing. I haven't figured out which is worse, dying and leaving your spouse behind, or having to live without your spouse. Either way, I don't want to find out. I can handle it, this I know. It would be rough but, I have to. I fear for my kids. I fear that my daughter and son will forget and the baby will miss out. I fear that they will never get to know how great of a person he is. I love him so much and I have so many fucked up dreams. Who should have to live like this? Who should have to live a life where you are afraid of your front door and people coming to it? Who the hell should have to have their world revolve around a phone and computer and 3 line letters and emails? I get so angry when I think about it. I feel resentful towards my husband for putting me in this situation although I joined in this world. He was in this world when I met him and I entered full knowing. I hate myself for this but when I think of the alternative, a life without my husband, never having known him and not having the amazing children that I have, I couldn't and wouldn't.
How can something that is still 11 months away consume my life? I'm afraid to be left alone in quiet that my thoughts will consume me and drive me crazy. Even now, I'm not making sense and this is making no sense and getting upset. That's all that I have.....