They come and go but they are all the same.

I haven't allowed myself to cry, and when I mean cry, I mean really cry. I cried the day he left and that was about it. Well that was it until the other night when I was watching Marley and Me. I don't know what it was, I have never cried at the end of that movie no matter how many times I have seen it, but the other night was different. I started balling like a baby as he was sitting in the vets office talking to him before the vet put him to sleep. Next thing I knew I had tears streaming down my face and all I could think about was how much I missed my husband, only took about 2 weeks for me to have an emotional meltdown and thank God I was at home in bed and the kids were sleeping when I did.
I think the hardest part of all of this has been the lack of communication. Yea last deployment we were about 2 months at a time for the first 6 months between 2 minute phone calls but at least I was able to hear his voice the day he left when he called me from New York, he called me from Ireland, and then again 2 times from Kuwait. Having heard his voice and knowing that he was safe was the only thing that mattered, that first initial contact. The few Facebook messages that we have sent back and forth have helped but not as much as hearing his voice will. After I have at least one phone call and hear him and know that he is alright, I can relax and then the time between phone calls won't seem so bad.
The kids miss him like crazy too. K is having the most trouble. Waking up crying at night wanting to talk to Daddy, wanting to sleep with me, something he hasn't wanted to do since he was about 9 months old and ALWAYS asking to call Daddy. A is alright for the most part, she has her moments where all she does for hours is talk about how much she misses Daddy. And little man G, well.... he knows something is different, he knows daddy isn't around but he's still to young to know whats going on. These kids keep me going and keep me busy, its just the night time that is so lonely, but then again, isn't that how it works? Your mind isn't busy focusing on anything else other than how much you miss him?

Been awhile...

It's been awhile since I have been on here. Life has taken us on many adventures lately. We moved in June back to Alaska and went on a roller coaster ride of buying our first house! It has definitely been trying and it was not a pleasant experience. Lets just say I learned a whole lot for next time! The kids have all grown so much! Miss A is now 7 and in second grade! I can't believe how much time has passed! It seems like just yesterday she was one, sitting next to me on the couch eating cheerios with me and watching Franklin! Mr. K just turned 3 and is a very head strong! He is becoming more of a little man every day! G is now a year old and as sweet as pie! He talks up a storm and amazes me more and more with the words and sentences that he says!
Our move back also sent us into another great adventure of a year long deployment. Last week we had to say good bye and rely on computers and he crappy phone service to keep in contact. It has been so hard on A and K! Its been harder on K just because he isn't old enough to understand. He gets upset when I tell him that we can't go see daddy.

No clue

Does anyone even read this thing? I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to send words out in to cyber space. Oh well, I guess it's just a great release. I need a purpose; I need something to occupy myself. Yes, the kids and their never ending mounting health issues seem to keep me running back and forth to the Dr.'s and not to mention all my issues that seem to have arisen since Gaven's birth, but, yea. My poor baby boy, I'm not sure what to do about him anymore. I feel like crying because I know he is in pain. If he's not crying from constantly spitting up, he is crying because of the pain of the reflux. Our Dr.'s appt yesterday was a complete waste resulting in giving us medicine that our original Dr. didn't want him to have because A.) it won't help him, it will only make him worse and B.) it will give him horrible stomach pain (which yes he DOES so nicely have now) and it will make the acid rise and just sit in his throat rather than coming out. Poor boy cried himself to sleep in my arms and I felt so helpless.
So I finally admitted to myself, and my husband how incredibly scared I am about him deploying again. One can only get lucky so many times, this I know, and believe me, he doesn't EVER let me forget about it. He always gets on me because I never help him find a way to get out of the Army. (Like me busting my butt in school to try and get my AAS and my BA in no amount of time isn't helping) and he always tells me that I need to come up with ideas for jobs. Anyone that knows my husband knows that he CAN NOT stand civilian people. (Some of their ways of thinking) and he doesn't want to have to deal with people or the public I should say. I came up with some jobs but while they are good jobs, we have to make sure they have good insurance which... at least one of them doesn't. I still have some digging around to do with the other job but that shouldn't be too hard because I know a lot of people with that work with that company :)
Anyways, back to this deploying thing. I haven't figured out which is worse, dying and leaving your spouse behind, or having to live without your spouse. Either way, I don't want to find out. I can handle it, this I know. It would be rough but, I have to. I fear for my kids. I fear that my daughter and son will forget and the baby will miss out. I fear that they will never get to know how great of a person he is. I love him so much and I have so many fucked up dreams. Who should have to live like this? Who should have to live a life where you are afraid of your front door and people coming to it? Who the hell should have to have their world revolve around a phone and computer and 3 line letters and emails? I get so angry when I think about it. I feel resentful towards my husband for putting me in this situation although I joined in this world. He was in this world when I met him and I entered full knowing. I hate myself for this but when I think of the alternative, a life without my husband, never having known him and not having the amazing children that I have, I couldn't and wouldn't.
How can something that is still 11 months away consume my life? I'm afraid to be left alone in quiet that my thoughts will consume me and drive me crazy. Even now, I'm not making sense and this is making no sense and getting upset. That's all that I have.....