After a few heart to hearts, it seemed as though things were on the up and up. I guess you have to go backwards to go forward right? It just seems that we take 1 step forward and 3 steps backward. I feel as it is all me. I never say the right thing, never do the right thing, nothing is ever good enough. Its not enough that I run all the errands, clean up the house, do the laundry, the dishes, the cooking and take care of the kids as well as work on my degree and now work. Granted I don't have a job that will supply us with enough money to pay all the bills but I do make enough that we have an extra $400 plus room a month in money. All the sweet little things I do in between, the cards, letters, little goofy things, none of this seems enough. He keeps telling me that I don't love him enough, I'm not that same girl. That girl that was all about him, that girl who would cling to him and do everything I could to keep him from leaving the house. He's right, I'm not that same girl. I've grown up, I've matured and so has our relationship. We have 2 kids, one who is at an age where she understands everything we say and everything we do. We have a 1 year old who by far, is definitely a handful and very exhausting. I wouldn't trade it for anything though.
I never say anything in our arguments. This I know and I recognize this. I can't correct this or change this when I feel that everything I say is ridiculous and uncalled for because every time I open my mouth, those are the words that you interrupt me with. I'm lost, I am always at fault and always wrong. I never follow through and in your eyes, I am worthless. You tell me that you love me but, why, if I am your wife, do you treat me this way? Shouldn't I be dealt with with love and compassion? Shouldn't I be treated as an equal and don't I have the right to say something without feeling as though its always the wrong thing?
You have your faults as well but far be it from me to point them out. Even if I did, I'm not sure that you would listen. You are hard headed and stubborn, set in your ways but even when your stubbornness and hard headedness, I love you. These are what I love about you. In fact, this is what I love most. To me it signals determination. I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes I feel that parting ways would be best but then I think about all the things we have been through together. All the heartache, sorrow, disappointment. All the good times, the joyous times, bringing life into this world and I realize that walking away would mean failure. If we had walked away during all the other bad times in our relationship, we wouldn't have what we have today. I don't want to walk away from the person that I love most in this world. I can't, I won't.
